Mindfulness Can Help Decisions and Reactions

Okay, I was wrong. I realized it after I hung up the phone. What began as a simple conversation about a task quickly moved to an emotional reaction from me. After I realized what happened I'm more determined to practice mindfulness. You may be thinking, "what's he talking about?" Let me explain.

For the past few years I've worked with an international organization training their senior leaders. Part of the three day program is a very intensive segment I've labeled "business mindfulness." Essentially we teach these senior leaders to be aware of their own instantaneous reactions and question them, because initial reactions tend to be driven by their emotional brain.. Since the emotional part of the brain reacts approximately 80,000 times faster than the rational part it takes some work on mindfulness to understand the emotional underpinnings of our reactions and to stop from allowing the emotional brain to take over.

Any of us can learn this process. Initially we need to reflect any time we think we over-reacted to a situation or person and then process what is going on in our head; what are we feeling, assuming, judging etc. When we teach this process, this is the most difficult skill. We teach people to stop and listen to what is going on inside their head; what the emotions are and how they drove the reaction. Then we have to analyze if our reaction is correct. That's also challenging. It's easy for me to justify my reactions to most things. However, I've found when I talk to others about them, often they shed new light and I can see where I over-reacted.

So the conversation last night was about a task that was supposed to have been complete. It was my responsibility. Yet a vendor claimed that I had not supplied one of the key pieces of information they needed. They said it was not urgent, but could I send the information. I am still sure I had already sent it, but promised I would resend it. As a friend and I were talking about the situation I found myself getting angry at him and reacted to his "tone" on the call. After I ended the call I took a deep breath and listened to what was going on inside my head. My initial reaction was defensive because I felt attacked by my friend. However when I honestly admitted to myself that I overreacted to his tone, I realized that it felt so critical because I was already doing a great job of beating myself up about the task. (I can be really tough on myself). I uncovered that my reaction was based on how badly I had already made myself feel. So, I called my friend back and apologized.

Taking time to be mindful of your internal emotions is a key to better decisions whether at home or in business. Pause the next time you are about to make an important decision or you are about to reply in anger. Listen HONESTLY to what is driving the emotion and whether or not it is valid. Mindfulness is a great tool to help make us fully aware of what is going on at the moment. The more we practice it, the better we become. And of course, if you've already said something like I did, you might have to apologize.

What Did You Learn In Life Today?

Growing up, dinner with the family was a rule. No matter where we were or what we were doing we made sure that dinner was a family affair. Of course, I had the luxury of a stay-at-home mom who loved to cook. Bonus! And yes, of course, there were the prerequisite questions one of which included "what did you learn in school today?" It was not always posed this way, but there was some version of it. I grappled with that question because I didn't pay too much attention during the day at school. However, on my way home for dinner from the basketball court I always tried hard to think of something.

Years pass and no one asks me that question anymore. Of course I don't live with my parents, but more commonly it's not the question we tend to ask adults. Why not? There is a common perception that our brain stops developing somewhere in our youth and we get to a certain point where we are on a downward slide. Yet the new reality shown to us by neuroscience is that the brain can continue to develop long into our lives and it can be as receptive as a three year old brain.

What is even sadder is that because of this mental model many of us eschew learning as we age. We stop going to classes or lectures and tend to only read books that support what we already know. Even the news we read (because of the customization of computer generated sites) just reaffirms what we already know. We are missing the possibility of expanding our brains and broadening our experiences.

This past weekend I was honored to present at the Canadian Positive Psychology Association Conference in Toronto. It was amazing. My brain has not worked that hard in a very long time. The speakers were consistently above par and gave me a lot to think about. Yet, even as I reveled in the experience I realized that the lecture of life gives me something to learn every day, I just don't often choose to see it or dwell on it.

Whether we choose to go to a lecture series, or listen to a TED talk, or read a totally new idea in a book or magazine, we can stimulate our brain and our life. However, focusing on the nuances of every day and questioning why things happen, how they came about and what can change also allows us to expand our brain. The first step is to intentionally learn. Find new things that we'd love to know and pursue them. We will find that life takes on a totally different feeling because every day is an exploration about what life will teach us.

I believe we move in the direction of our focus, so I'm gonna start asking myself the question "what did you learn in life today?" I know that by asking myself that question I'll start looking for the answer. And I might ask those who sit down to dinner with me. It will be an interesting conversation.