Fly the Skies: Friendly or Not

At Newark Airport yesterday morning a group of us stepped up to the TSA pre-screened line. Having done the extra paperwork and having allowed the extra scrutiny by the government, I look forward to the shorter line. Yet, I noticed the agent turning away many of those who approached her. Confident that I had been vetted, I approached the agent and she scanned my ticket. “Nope” she cheerfully said, “you don’t have access.” Determinedly I scanned my boarding pass again, but did not hear the usual three beeps allowing access to the shorter line. As she pointed her finger to show me the way, I joined the other, much longer, line. Apparently the TSA occasionally refuses even those who are validly pre-screened as part of their security procedure. Yet what fascinated me was the palpable glee on the agent’s face as she denied access to many fliers. Most of the time she wouldn’t even look at them while she pointed to the end of the other line. As I watched she would sometimes wag her finger in the faces of some of the fliers telling them they were refused and their wait was about to become much longer.

Yesterday Newark Airport was a laboratory of emotion, self-esteem and personal interaction. Like most days for each of us, it offered the possibility of acceptance and rejection, success and failure, and control along with lack of control. But even more powerful was the glimpse into how most people are treated in life and how depersonalizing that is.

Watching the faces of individuals in the airport I saw anger, despair, helplessness and frustration. Rarely did I encounter people smiling or walking confidently. Yet as I thought about it, it is natural to react to what has become a threatening environment. Long lines are exacerbated by agents telling you very little news and yet demanding you stay in them. Everyone tries moving as efficiently as possible and become irritated when someone in front of them is too slow. And of course, there is the strip search.

What struck me is that, despite some excellent TSA agents (aside from the one at the pre-screen line) who were trying to help people and keep a smile on their face, the situation and the necessary security treats people in a very inhumane way. When that happens, people respond to the feeling of threat by fighting, fleeing or freezing.

What we need in life to make us feel human and special is easy.

·         Use names. Remember the sweetest sound to the human ear is the sound of their own name.

·         Smile occasionally. We live in a world where people smile less frequently, especially in new situations. We need others to smile and allow us to relax.

·         Create eye contact. There is nothing better for the soul than to know you’ve been acknowledged.

·         Treat others with respect. We are working our way through this world like everyone else. Give others the respect you deserve.

I’ve flown over a million miles and that is just on one airline. Traveling can be challenging, and it’s the perfect analogy for life. We are all going some destination. Either we can be concerned only about ourselves, or we can realize that everyone else is a traveler too. The traveling is much better when we all respect each other, mount the challenges together and then enjoy the ride.

Do Something For Someone Else

The yellow shirts caught my eye. A group of approximately a dozen teens walking down Cookman Avenue talking and laughing. Immediately my curiosity was aroused. Then when they stopped outside the store I was really intrigued. When I found out their purpose, I learned a good lesson.

They were members of the New Jersey Youth Corps, and they were helping create a cafe in downtown Asbury. The cafe is for a non-profit organization that promotes the arts so they were volunteering their time. Their faces and attitude changed as they started working. From the typical teenage reluctance to laughing over the soap spilled as they scrubbed, moved and set up the metal chairs and tables they were transformed. There was not the negativity so often associated with teen years, nor the attitude. Doing something for someone else transfigured them.

So much of our society is wrapped up in a single-minded focus on ourselves. We are encouraged to self-promote through twitter, Facebook, myspace, and all of the other social media. Daily there are more and more blogs where everyone has the opportunity to enlighten the world with their opinion (including this one). And yet where does this get us? The highest depression rate since the Great Depression and getting higher. Why? Heck, all this navel gazing has to make us a little myopic. And the longer you look at anything, you will find all of the flaws.

What if we started looking around and doing something for others? Yep, free of charge! Actually give a helping hand without the concomitant bragging or posting, or the incessant need for payback. What a radical notion. Though it's not that radical, it's just been around for a few millennia.

This is what personal greatness is really all about. We can develop our strengths to our utmost ability and focus our energies until we are blue in the face. But what transforms us, what transforms others and leaves an indelible memory is when we willingly, voluntarily and freely help someone else.

Traveling around the world speaking about personal greatness we always ask for examples of great people. It never fails that everyone who is suggested as great it is because of what they gave to others, often at a high cost to themselves.

So, are we up for a little world changing today? (I know I am) Find someone who needs help and take the time to help them; no charge, no posting, no credit. Just do it even if you don't get a "thank you." Here is what I know, you will have changed the world in that one moment and perhaps for a lifetime for that person. There is no greater act in the world; there is no greater feeling.

Other People Matter

A few years ago, while studying for my degree in positive psychology, Chris Peterson Ph.D. summarized some of the most important research of positive psychology by stating "other people matter." Honestly my reaction (quietly to myself) was "I'm paying for this kind of brilliance?" Yet Dr. Peterson's words keep coming back to me lately because it seems we are being inundated with examples of selfishness and greed that mask themselves as success. This is not what personal greatness is about.

Recently I've given up the practice of counting the cars with only one person in them driving in the HOV lane during rush hour on the New Jersey Turnpike. It really bothers me because it seems these people don't care about anyone else or care about the law, as long as they can get ahead. The broader applications are frightening. This Sunday there were more examples on a larger scale of selfishness and greed above the fold in the New York Times. The articles about JP Morgan Chase lying about their losses, high profile polluters basically walking away free, and drug companies, knowing their drugs kill and getting off with only a small fine. What happened to doing the right thing and caring about the greater community?

We live in a time when our American individualism seems to have taken steroids. It's all about the individual, the heck with what the larger society needs. Many people think, speak, and vote only for what it can do for them (or their wallet), not necessarily the great good of society.

What we need are more examples of people doing the right thing. When we've surveyed people about personal greatness they give us wonderful examples of individuals using all their skills and abilities. What we discovered is that in all their descriptions and definitions of personal greatness, none of them mentioned that the work or outcome usually was for the betterment of society, their community or their family. They assumed personal greatness helps others. We named it "The Assumption of Positive Affect."

It is time to look for examples of people helping others, of going the extra mile, of helping society at large. Because it's these examples that spur each of us on to do something as well. If all we see is greed and selfishness, there is a natural reaction to want to get our share before it runs out. But goodness and charity never run out. There is plenty to go around.

So, today I'm gonna focus on those people who are doing good for others. I want to see people use their skills and talents to help someone other than themselves. Why? Because the example will help me do the same. And in the long run the research shows that people who help and care about others have greater health and happiness. Perhaps I can get that on a sign in the HOV lane.

"Other People Matter"