The Busy-ness Whirlpool

How much time do you waste during the day? Yes, I know we are all busy…crazy busy. We brag to each other how busy we are. We even brag about what we don’t have time for. “I’m so busy I haven’t been to the gym in months.” Really? But what are we doing? We are getting sucked into our own busy-ness.

I admit that I also fall into the busy-ness trap. There is always so much to do and there never seems to be enough time. I seem to work at the office, at night sometimes when I get home and in the morning. But what am I really doing?

Very recently two things occurred that kept me very busy and I realized how much of my time was stolen on this busy-ness. First, Microsoft unveiled their new operating system Windows 10. I don’t tend to be much of an early adopter when it comes to technology, but I needed to upgrade the VAIO  in my home office and thought that this new system would do it. Well, the upgrade worked, but I lost two days integrating the system, bringing files over and of course, personalizing the desktop. I rationalized my busy-ness by thinking that I was making myself more efficient.

The second occurrence was the purchase and installation of a new computer for our business office. We were disgusted with our old computers and purchased an “all-in-one” Dell desktop. Again, hours were spent on setting up the system and getting it up to speed. It’s not done yet, I’ve still got more work to do. But I finally realized that a lot of the “set up” was the personalization of the computer and not important for our work.

I offer these two as examples of the “work” that can fill up our day. It is now estimated that most of us spend up to 30% of our work day just scrolling through email and because we are connected at home we continue to work in the evenings and on weekends creating what is approximately a 72 hour work week for ourselves. No wonder we don’t have time for anything. And of course it all seems important.

There is no easy answer. I’m not going to advocate turning everything off, because as a business owner I can’t. But I’m finding that it is important to understand and monitor what keeps me busy. Is it just my own busy work? Am I feeling busy because I’m doing something, anything, even just scrolling through email or Facebook, or am I moving toward accomplishing the things in life that mean so much to me, like writing, speaking and helping others? And of course, I want to spend time with the people in my life I care about. When I put those things in perspective I realize that scrolling through emails, checking news, reading Facebook, posting on Instagram, are jobs I create for myself that keep me busy. I can choose to maximize my time with the work I enjoy and the people I love. Whatever time is left over, I’ll give to my “busy-ness.”

Why Birthdays are Bad for Your Health

Today is my birthday. Yep, I’m writing this at 32,000 feet heading to San Francisco and I celebrated with a glass of tonic water and a tapas box. But driving to the airport this morning I was startled when my husband called, sang happy birthday and then asked, “so, how does it feel to be 58?” Really? Am I that old? Well, technically the answer is yes. My carbon form has traversed this planet for 58 years along with millions of others; eating, sleeping, playing, working. If we count the days, I’ve probably been here longer than most people. But why count the days? Seriously, paying too close attention to your age is bad for your health.

Okay this is a little tongue-in-cheek but the studies of Ellen Langer on aging and mindset are amazing. She believes that some of our physical limitations of age are as much or more a part of the mind as they are of the body. Her studies place participants in situations that replicate what life was like 20-30 years prior. For a week they talk and live as though it was 1984. The results are lower blood pressure, better circulation and flexibility and even improved vision. All because the participants stopped living their age.

We all have concepts of age. That is why so many of us hate approaching milestone birthdays because all we can think about is aging. When we are continuously reminded of our age, we begin to act and feel that way, becoming more cautious because we fear getting hurt. Eventually our beliefs become our reality.

Aging is for the young, let’s face it. When you want to drive you can’t wait to be 17. Others can’t wait to vote at 18 or drink at 21 (okay, legally). Then all the rush to get older stops or at least it should, unless you really want an AARP card or Medicare.

Let’s face it, our bodies will remind us that we are aging, they don’t need any help. So what if we only celebrated birthdays but didn’t count them? How old would you be? How old would you feel? Counting birthdays doesn’t mean anything. Meaning is not found in the amount of days in your life, but the amount of life in your days.

So for me, today is a reason to have fun. I’m glad I’m here. But I’m not going to spoil it by counting the years. Nope I’m just going to enjoy today.

Live Life on the Peaks

Happiness is not a subject near and dear to my heart. It's not that I'm against happiness, I tend to be a very happy guy. But happiness is not something I pursue. Anyone who consistently reads my writing know that I believe happiness  is a positive effect of pursuing individual greatness, but not the goal in itself.

However, though I don’t focus on happiness many people think I’m the ultimately happy guy who never looks at the dark side of life. Last week I was talking with a friend and she was opining that “on the journey of life you have to experience both the peaks and the valleys.” I agreed, but countered that “just because I experience the valleys on the journey of life doesn’t mean I have to stop and build my house there.”

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending a positive psychology summit at the University of Pennsylvania. It was attended by some of the smartest and most accomplished people I know. Dr. Ed Deiner spoke about happiness and revealed some studies that if you are super happy, you might not achieve as much as someone else who might be moderately happy. (Of course if you are depressed you might not accomplish much either.) Afterword I tried to pursue the point, but he deftly dodged it. However, his point was made. Some of the most prominent people in history struggled with their dark side and used it as a spring-board to creativity and success. It’s important to note that most of them didn’t wallow in their dark side, but acknowledged it and used it.

In the journey of life all of us experience peaks and valleys. However by living in the valleys we close ourselves off from the good side of life. Yes, it is important to experience the highs and lows, but since we all have a choice, why not build our homes on the highs? We can do that by enjoying the peak moments more, exploring them and learning how we can repeat them and treasuring them each time they occur. Then, with confidence we can experience and even explore the valleys, but in time move out and back up to the peaks. So the question remains, where do you want to build your house?

Don't Fight Busyness, Elevate It.

Recently whenever I ask someone how they are doing I hear variations of “crazy busy,” “so busy I can’t think,” or “I’m slammed.” Frankly I’m tired of hearing it. I just read an HBR blog on this busyness syndrome and how to fight it. Honestly, I don’t want to fight busyness because that’s a losing battle, but I want to change the focus.

Think about it. All of us are busy; busy creating a life, loving others, doing our job, or we are busy living. So what? The first definition of busy I found is “actively or fully engaged or occupied.” Hey wait? That’s the way I want to live my life! I hope I can describe every day that way. But most of us mean the 2^nd and 4^th definitions “overcrowded or cluttered with detail,” “crowded with or characterized by much activity.” But honestly even those don’t sound too bad.

The real challenge is that saying “I’m crazy busy” has become a badge of honor. We brag about how much work we have to do and how there is no time for our lives. Perhaps it makes us feel important. Really? We want to live like this? I don’t.

And more to the point, this busyness syndrome can get in the way of achieving anything. Many people point to their calendars and inboxes to justify how they can’t get another thing done. But I wonder what they are doing. I meet plenty of busy people. A few of them actually accomplish something.

Recently I worked with a multinational corporation that wanted to change the dialogue around performance reviews for their employees. They realized that most employees arrived for their year-end reviews armed with all of the projects they worked on during the year and how hard they worked. This company decided to look at “business impact” instead of activity. Instead of only talking about how many projects, tasks, or meeting occurred, the question became “what was the impact of this work on the business?”  It radically changed the conversation and it changed the mindset.

Think about how we would reset our lives if we looked at impact. If you schedule time with your kids, ask yourself what impact it had on them, or you? It might make you put your smart phone down to have a greater impact. Or that writing project you are working on? Did you spend a couple of hours at your desk, or did you accomplish something, actually get some pages written? What was the impact of the time spent working? We can even use this gauge in a more dramatic fashion and ask the question, what impact has my life made?

We are all busy. It’s called living. But being busy can be a smoke screen full of sound and fury and signifying nothing (with apologies to the Bard). By changing the litmus test of our lives we can move from crowded calendars to meaningful calendars. If we concern ourselves with impact our meetings, dates, even playtimes take on more significance. And finally if we live our lives focused on our impact on others and the impact we leave, we will dramatically change our world. Isn’t that better than just being busy? 

A Room of Genius

Have you ever been in a place where you are overwhelmed by how smart and dedicated all the other people in the room seem? Have you had the joy of being so much in awe of what others are doing for the world that you can’t help asking more and more questions? Have you ever thought at the end of a day that you can’t believe how lucky you are to be among such amazing people? If you have had this experience, you have been in a room of genius.

This summer I attended the Canadian Positive Psychology Association Conference in Ottawa, Canada. Approximately 400 people arrived from across the globe to learn about positive psychology and consider the difference it could make in the world. From education to politics to workplace we learned and debated how happiness, well-being, and even greatness could transform lives. And there was no shortage of amazing people.

To a person the participants engaged in critical dialogue to understand how this science could make the world better for everyone. They were nurses, psychologists, life coaches, consultants and interested individuals. Each of them spoke about how they were trying to bring new messages of positive psychology into their domains. It was powerful and it was intimidating.

A little while after the conference an op ed piece in the NY Times opined about the necessity of having two of more individuals to create genius. Historically, “genius” was believed to be in each of us; it is the god within us as we are born. But the op ed proposed that we need others to challenge our thinking and bring our best to light. After this summer’s conference, I agree. My mind is still whirling with the ideas and suggestions from those few days.

Alone we have our thoughts, but together we have ideas, action and change. We lean on each other and learn from each other. We challenge, cajole, debate, edit, and refine ideas and then we dream, plan and achieve our dreams together.

I was astounded how my thinking was lifted and my ideas were challenges… and it felt good. Who is in your room of genius?

Living a Life of S(s)ignificance

Over the weekend I heard of two college commencements both of which exhorted students to "live a life of significance." How that was expounded on I really don't know, but the phrase stuck in my head. So since we are exhorting our young people to live this way, the question rebounds in our direction, are you and I living a life of significance?

If you are like me, the first question that arises is what is meant by a life of significance? Though there is a book by this title, I didn't find it really enlightened me. A life of significance could be a life of fame, or notoriety, or stature, but I was pretty sure that's not how they meant it in the commencement addresses. So, I thought I'd look it up.

The definition of significance is about "having meaning, importance." Initially I thought about the majority of people who attend my workshops on personal greatness who have not specifically thought about meaning. But the more I think about it, I've realized (once again) that I am wrong. All of us have significance in one another's lives. Since we live in a world where we interact with each other (a "hive") we impact each other every day and foster or degrade individuals along the way.

I have encountered many people in my journeys about the globe who in a smile, a gesture, a comment, or an action assure me that I am a fellow human being deserving of respect and care. I've also encountered other people who treat me as refuse and toss aside me and anyone else who gets in their way to achieve or own something. Both examples have significance in our lives, just by the way that they live. This is significance with a small "s." I happens everyday whether we think about it or not.

Additionally I believe there is significance with a capital "S." There are individuals who think carefully about their footprint on this planet and how they want to touch the lives of their fellow human beings. Some choose to live significantly though parenting, some though their work, others through their attitude. But they are conscious about their Significance. I find these people to be powerful examples of lives lived fully with passion and vigor.

So, either way we live, mindfully or on autopilot, we have meaning in the lives of others. However the choice is ours as to what our S(s)ignificance is. What will yours be?

Greatess Is Not a Zero Sum Game

 

Many years ago I walked into my cousin's bedroom and saw a new trophy on his bookcase. "What did you win?" I inquired. "Nothing," he said. "That was just for being a part of the team." I never forgot that moment and ranted for years against this way of rewarding kids and adults, but now, I think I'm wrong.

Yesterday I read an article in the New York Times where Alfie Kohn opined against my old way of thinking. He noted that many adults believe that giving kids trophies for showing up would make them soft, deprive them of grit and make them lazy. Our mindset was that in order to teach kids resilience, you have to make life tough. Some of us think that kids who receive praise for everything will never make it in the “real” world. Why not? Because we want them to go through the same suffering we had to?
Life is suffering. That’s not just a Buddhist concept, but a simple awareness that in order for life to be lived, we have to struggle and work. Kids realize this as well as we do. They know very well that they did not come in first place in a race even if we give them a medal. But what the medal does communicate is that they are valuable just for trying.
Of course I’m not saying to just give people everything. But to deprive both adults and children of praise just because we believe it will make them soft is stupid. 60 percent of American workers would like to have some recognition of the work they’ve done. It won’t make them soft, but it might make them realize how valuable they are and that they can have pride in their work. But when I speak to managers about why they won’t give more praise, they say “then they’d expect it.” Yes, imagine that. Expecting thanks for a job well done. (And this applies just as much at home as it does in the workplace.)
This notion of rewarding only the very best has made its way into corporations in very insidious ways. Most corporations have ranking systems and bell curves so that some employees are on top, some in the middle and others at the bottom regardless of how they performed. Managers are forced to fill all three buckets. This is ridiculous. If the hiring managers do their job, they are bringing on people who are talented and motivated to do their best. So why can’t everybody be great?
Currently I’m working with a major international firm that has done away with ranking and calibration. Employees are only evaluated on the work they do and how it helps the business and each other. In this scenario you could have a large number of employees receiving top rewards. Why not? Greatness is not a zero sum game. I am not diminished if you are great.
What finally clicked and turned my thinking around was imagining the environment created by never telling adults or children what they’ve done right or by ranking them against each other so there is only one winner. Any student who has taken Psychology 101 knows that the human response to a threat is fight, flight, or freeze. You don’t learn that way. But by creating an environment where everyone can win, in their own way, you create an environment where, as researcher Barbara Fredrickson describes it, individuals can broaden their capacity to learn and build on their skills. It’s an environment where everyone can be great, and that is not a zero sum game.

Time for the "Slow Connection" Movement

Recently I purchased a new phone. Well, I really didn’t buy it. With the upgrade I had coming, the discounts at the store and a special sale I got it free for a renewed contract. Weird huh? Then, since I switched my brand of phone, I spent the better part of a week uploading apps and syncing my new phone to all the devices in my house, car and office. After that I continued focusing on the phone tweaking the ringtones (James Bond), culling the contacts and finding more apps. And when I finally looked up from the phone I realized I lost more than a week of connecting with friends and family. Sad to say that I’m not the only one caught up in the digital world. That has to stop. The challenge is we live in a world that loves their phones and computers and that hurts all of us.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a Luddite by any stretch of the imagination. I have a Mac Book Pro, VAIO PC, Microsoft Surface and Nokia smart phone. I run my business digitally from any where at any time. And now I’m realizing the problem that can be. My research and life work is about bringing out the best in people. But when I am so focused on my phone or gadgets I forget the people around me and think that the world resides in my hands or at my finger tips. It doesn’t. There is nothing like a real connection to another human being.

Sadly we are a society moving in the direction of disconnection. Though we have a greater ability to reach out and touch someone, we do it more and more electronically with short messages and emoticons. These don’t create real human connection. Studies indicate that the more time we spend on electronic devices, no matter our age, the more our ability to read non-verbal communication weakens. We gradually lose the capability to discern facial expressions and body language. That’s scary.

A few years ago in Italy the “slow food” movement was begun. It was an attempt to regain the art and magic of dining by actually preparing food and taking time to enjoy it with others. It was begun in direct opposition to the “fast food” mentality. So I propose that we start a “slow connection” movement. This movement would emphasize taking time to be with our children, talk to our spouses, have dinner conversations that lingered, listen to the stories of our wise seniors and to linger over the nuances in our loved one’s reply, or watch the wonder on our child’s face as they experience something for the first time.


We live in a generation that could be the first to be utterly disconnected from those around us even though we share the same space. There is a place for electronics and digital connectivity, but its importance pales in comparison with face to face time with other people. Take time for a “slow connection.” Call up the person you’ve been meaning to speak with and arrange a lunch, a walk or a date. And remember when you are with them… turn off your phone.

New Year's Resolutions Are Not Dead Yet

The day has passed. Yes the world-wide day when most of us have abandoned our New Year's resolutions. At this point, we don't even look longingly back on what "might have been" but hope for better things next year. But wait! There is hope for us yet. Those longed for dreams of weight loss, exercise, writing, new work etc. still have a heart beat and can be resurrected. And all it takes is a little rethinking.

New Year's gives me hope of all the things I can accomplish. An unblemished canvas, it stretches languidly off into the 365 day distance with promises of a new start. Yet a mere 20 days later and the canvas seems grittier, dirtier and the few brush strokes on it lack the importance of impending brilliance. So what can we do?

1. Stop looking at the entire year (or the next five)

For many of us the daunting task of remaking our lives or at least some part of them shuts us down. Looking at the height we wish to achieve or the goal to accomplish just seems to much. So, the first thing some of us need to do is stop looking at the entire goal. Of course it's important to identify where we are going and why, but once that's done many of us have to get the larger goal out of our mind because it will paralyze us.

2. Choose the one thing that makes the biggest difference.

Dr. David Cooperrider asks the question "what's the smallest thing you can do to make the biggest difference?" That's a powerful question because I know I normally go for the biggest thing I can do. But Cooperrider is right. If we focus on something small, we can accomplish big things. We must break our goal down and down and down until we understand some of the behaviors that lead to that goal. For example it might mean getting up 30 minutes earlier to walk or write. Rerouting our trek to work so we don't walk by the Dunkin Donuts shop. Or just taking 10 minutes to look at the sky and think. What's the one behavior, the one thing we want to focus on?

3. Only work on the "one thing"

The greatest athletes in the world only focus on improving 1% at a time. According to Dr. Greg Wells they concentrate on one movement, one muscle, one action until they get it just right and then they move on. For us, it's about focusing on our "one thing" and getting it right. Focusing on our "one thing" can change behavior long term and help us achieve larger goals.

So, it's not over yet. The canvas of the year is yet to be painted. We just need to remember, it's just one brush stroke at a time.

The Anatomy of a Selfie

2013 brought us the height of the "selfie," a self-shot photo of oneself in a specific place, doing something interesting, or just making a face. The ultimate online scream "LOOK AT ME." Selfie even placed among the most popular words of 2013 and also one of the most argued about. Yet if we look beneath the surface of this simple act of self-portraiture, lies a culture heading in the wrong direction.

The main focus of the selfie is ME. There is no doubt about that. I am the center, I am the subject, verb, adjective, adverb in this photographic sentence. All that remains around me is commentary. Look how well I am doing. Look how much fun I'm having (and you're not). Look how good I look. Even, look how stupid I look. But the main point is ME. If this were only an assignment for a single class in self-confidence, self-awareness or self-photography it might lie passively online consumed by friends and family and quickly forgotten. Yet I believe there is a stronger tie to where our culture is going and this is only a symptom of a larger sickness.

Western societies right now are in the grip of a weltanschauung (or world view) of ME. Walking through a bookstore yesterday (yes, there are a few left) I noted that the self-help section was prominently displayed and very extensive. Yet there is not a "world-help" or "community-help" section. We scream about individual rights and that is important, but what about the rights of the society? We walk down the street in our own selfie way expecting others to move or acknowledge us, yet there is not that same respect in return.

Small breakdowns begin to occur when ME is the focus. Why should I wait for a red light when I have to be somewhere? Why should I turn off my cell phone on the plane because I'm important and I might receive an important call (or even a not important call)? Why should I obey the law when it's not convenient for me?

A weltanschauung of ME means that society is present for my benefit and those within it are meant to assist me (translate this to "serve me") when I need them to. It means that I will not give up or weaken on anything I believe even for a greater good to the community (note our lack of congress). Laws become guidelines but mostly for others if I can skirt them and not get caught (the spike in drivers running red lights). And mostly life becomes a striving for my success even at the detriment of others (Enron and Madoff).

We live in a world where we have to move together, live together and survive together. Of course, history presents us with plenty of evidence of the danger of only focusing on the welfare of the community to the detriment of the individual. The key is a balance of focus on the interest of society and the interest of the individual. When we work toward balance everyone benefits, not just the few.

So the next time you want to take a selfie, ask someone to take it for you. Someone is always willing to take a few seconds and snap the shot. It only takes a moment to be vulnerable enough to ask for help. And you will have made a connection and possibly a friend.

Weather Forecast for Greatness

Doesn't weather amaze you? The variations of each day; the multitudinous minuscule changes that accompany each shift in the atmosphere. Yet underlying all of the variations is an incredible consistency that we rely on. The sun rises each morning. We rotate around it in annual patterns and mostly we can predict what will happen during the various seasons because of this consistency.

Pursuing a goal, learning a skill, or ascending to the next level in anything runs according to this pattern. Yes, we need intensity to achieve great things. But if we only rely on intensity we will burn out, give up, or frustrate ourselves eventually. We need both consistency and intensity to learn or achieve anything. However

Consistency is more important than intensity.

I've learned this important lesson many times in my life as I attempted new skills, tried to attain the next level of ability in an area, or worked to achieve a goal. I'd start with incredible intensity, work for hours in a day only to have the discarded carcasses of goals, dreams and tasks litter my little office. I'm really good at intensity... for a short period. 

Studying individuals who have succeeded in amazing ways I've noticed they start with consistency. Each day, or every other day they pursue their goal, practice their skill or chip away at their project. The consistency takes on a routine and the routine propels them to completion. It is only with the foundation of consistency that intensity works. When there are those inspired moments, when you have the time to dedicate a full day to a project, or when you are driven to complete a certain phase, that intensity only helps take the consistency to a higher level. The important thing is not to give yourself a break the next day, or the next week because you have accomplished so much. Return to your practice the next day and return to your consistency. 

Predictions in weather happen because we know averages, norms, seasonal changes and conditions that drive change. Achievement and personal greatness can also be seen the same way. Whatever you want to do, develop a consistent pattern of working at it every day or every other day. Allow the intensity to arise when it will, but return to the consistency. That pattern helps forecast your success. 

Why Are We All So Busy?

Recently I've noticed a trend. Whenever I ask one of my friends or acquaintances "how are you doing?" inevitably they tell me how busy they are. It seems that everyone I speak with is overwhelmed with demands at work and demands at home. There is little or no time to enjoy what we work so hard to acquire or build. Especially in the North East US everybody seems to be in a rush (just drive any of our roads). And I'm in the same boat.

Sometimes we need simple reminders to slow down, to enjoy life. This morning I came across this article by Sean Doyle. He writes brilliantly about the challenges we all share and how to back off the pace a bit. I couldn't have written it better, so here is the link to the article. Enjoy.

http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/sean-doyle/2013042325827

Look For The Helpers

"Look for the helpers. The world is full of helpers."   Mr. Rogers

We live in a world of contradictions. There is violence and peace; anger and love; builders and destroyers; the selfish and the selfless. Our 24/7 news cycle highlights the darkest of these comparisons and leads us to picture the world as a selfish, frightening place and we might think our only reaction is to defend ourselves and take as much as we can. Yet watching the video of the senseless bombing yesterday at the Boston Marathon the reaction of many of the bystanders near the center of the bombing was amazing.

The first responders were not the only ones running toward the blast. The videos clearly show other people coming to help immediately, even some of the runners. In the confusing aftermath, people comforted the injured, helped them to safety and then went back to help some more. Contradicting the selfish, cowardly acts of the perpetrator were many men and woman willing to venture into harm's way to help others.

Too often we fall under the darkening spell of 24/7 news where we hear of every act of violence, senselessness and selfishness in the world until we can be overcome with fear or even worse, we become inured to it all and only want to protect ourselves.

Mr. Rogers is right. The world is full of helpers. Most people want to do the right thing, to live the best they can and to enable others to do so. Why isn't this news? Because we just assume that is what we should do as human beings; help others.

So today, look for the helpers and thank them. Better yet, be a helper. It will change someone's day and in a small way it will change the world for good.

Choose Your Energy

Yesterday, as Jan and I commuted into New York City to facilitate the third day of our Positive Leadership series, I looked around at the other commuters on the subway. Of course as a traveler I know that it's important not to look like a victim when traveling around any city. But the next time you are on the subway, bus, or walking through your city or town note what you see. What I saw was mostly negative or slightly bored expressions and it made me wonder: is this the energy we are bringing into the workplace?

Be honest. What kind of energy do you bring into a room? Is the energy positive or negative? I'm not talking about being so cheerful you make people cringe as you walk into the room. But do people cringe when you walk in from fear of your negative energy or worse, your wrath?

You might protest that you work in toxic environments with people you'd rather not associate with. Yet, even in the midst of really negative work spaces we have the choice of what we bring to the situation and to the day. We can choose to be victimized by the negativity around us, or choose to stand in our own integrity and live and act the way we want to.

Positive energy is important to how we are perceived by those around us. We might think that by being stern and authoritative we project a leadership quality. Yet Alex Pentland in the research he did at MIT on charisma discovered that one of the most important elements of charisma was projecting positive energy and being energetic about what you do.

It is very simple. Every day we choose the clothes, the shoes and perhaps the coat we wear. We also choose the attitude. More than the clothes, the attitude makes the man or woman. So think about that tomorrow morning as you prepare for your day. The attitude you choose and the energy you convey can make your day, along with those around you.

What, Me Worry?

As a young teen I was a fan of MAD magazine. Their picture of Alfred E. Neuman with his motto "What, Me Worry?" always made me smile. Back then I worried a lot. I worried about the life ahead of me, what I would do with my life, who I would become, how much money I would make, and who would love me. There is even a line in one of my journals (yep, I kept diaries since I was 10) that I was worried about the devaluation of the dollar. No kidding! My friends and family still kid me about that one. But I've given up worry along with guilt and it feels great.

Now before you worry about me, I'm fine. I still feel both worry and guilt. I believe they are necessary for normal psychological functioning. They are warning signs that there is something we believe we have left undone, or some way that we have injured someone else. (I know those are simplistic definitions, but let's leave them for a bit). So, as far as warning signs go, we need worry and guilt in our lives.

However, when the smoke alarm goes off in your house what do you do? Well, I look for the source of the smoke (usually overcooking), determine if there is a real fire, get rid of the smoke and turn off the alarm. Probably the last thing you do is keep feeding smoke into the alarm, letting it shriek and replacing the batteries when they run low. Yet many people I've spoken with over the years deal with worry and guilt like that. They feed the worry and guilt constantly neither dealing with the problem, nor silencing the alarm. They can go on like this for years. 

Somehow many of us have come to think that by worrying or feeling guilty we are doing something. That is not true at all. We are just letting alarms go off, but not dealing with the issue. Once I realized I was simply perpetuating an alarm by wallowing in worry or guilt I determined to start dealing with the issues. 

So, now I listen to myself carefully when I worry or feel guilty. Then I determine what part of the issue is under my control and what part is totally out of my control. It has taken me many years, but I've finally learned to let go of what I can't control, and focus on what I can control. Next, I take action; I do something to eradicate what I'm worried about or I take an action that rectifies what I feel guilty about. 

This discipline requires practice, but it is well worth it. Understanding worry and guilt as warning signs takes a lot of their power away and places them at our disposal rather than debilitating us. More importantly in this entire process, you feel more of a sense of control and that, more than anything, can eliminate both worry and guilt. 

I no longer worry about the devaluation of the dollar. There's nothing I can do about that. But the other warning signs that pop up, worry about business or guilt about not calling a friend, I can deal with. Worry and guilt are good emotions to have, but only for a short period of time. Take some action and turn off the alarm. Your life will be much more peaceful. 

Don't Underestimate Your Ability to Change the World

Last week  I met a group of heroes. They did not wear capes or tights and they didn't use false identities. What amazed me was that they don't consider their duties heroic. To them it is all in a day's work. These are the men and women who work for the Henry Street Settlement in New York City. After hurricane Sandy hit New York City blacking out most of lower Manhattan, these people fanned out to check on the seniors they knew and cared for. Sometimes walking up 30 to 40 floors they brought food, medicine and comfort. They painstakingly escorted or carried some of the seniors out of these buildings and relocated them in housing that had electricity and running water. From the time Sandy hit until all their seniors were safe and cared for they worked ridiculously long hours even though many of them had no electricity or running water in their own homes. Yet, none of them thought what they did was heroic.

In keynotes, conferences and workshops we consistently find that people easily identify individuals they believe are great: noting everyone from Mother Theresa of Calcutta, to their parents, or an aunt or uncle. They identify the characteristics they believe these individuals possess and easily list characteristics of greatness. Research on heroes, as noted by Scott Allison and George Goethals in Heroes: What they do and why we need them, list "hero" characteristics as being "smart, strong, selfless, caring, charismatic, resilient, reliable and inspiring."

Here is where it gets interesting. When we have people look at the characteristics of greatness or heroes and ask them if they've displayed any of the characteristics, they respond with silence. We could attribute this lack of response to humility, or it could speak to a larger challenge: we can't see ourselves as heroes or great individuals. That is beyond us.

Why is this a challenge? Because our actions depend on how we think of ourselves and our abilities so if we believe we cannot make any difference in the world we won't make any. However, if we realize that we have shown some of the characteristics of greatness or heroics, then that behavior and those characteristics can be repeated and we can ultimately help a lot of people we might otherwise have ignored.

None of us need a cape or tights (I've heard they're hard to keep clean) but we need to realize that we have powers and abilities that can positively affect others around us. By at least acknowledging them in ourselves we can develop and grow those abilities so that everyone benefits.

Are You Happy? Who Cares

Today is United Nations World Happiness Day. UN World Happiness Day  I didn't know that until I logged into Facebook this morning and someone posted it on their timeline. I'm not a big fan of focusing on happiness (and I'll get to that) but having a day to bolster happiness throughout the world might be a good thing.

For me, happiness is a byproduct, not the goal. I'm happy when I help others, when I finish writing something I'm proud of, when I connect with my friends and family and hear they are okay. Happiness isn't something I directly seek, but it is an emotion that tells me I'm in a good place. The challenge is that happiness is so fleeting and subjective. I can be very happy one minute and then, after someone tells me bad news, I'm depressed. This doesn't seem to be an end goal worth focusing on, and studies show that individuals who focus on achieving happiness tend to be less happy than others.

So the answer is to shift the focus! Stop thinking about your own happiness. 

 Recently I was in Dunkin Donuts with my business partner, Jan. We take turns buying coffee and it was her turn. As the woman rang up our order Jan said "and I'll pay for his order too" indicating the guy behind us. What ensued after the shock was an immediate refusal to allow her to pay. Then he reluctantly accepted (we are very suspicious in the North East). And finally he got to a point where he was really happy and thanked Jan profusely. The people behind the counter were also incredulous. However, what surprised me more was how it affected my mood. I only witnessed the generosity, but for a few hours after that I felt very happy and blessed.

Here is where real happiness begins. When we help others, all the studies indicate, we are happier for a longer period of time and the happiness is more substantial. When we have purpose and meaning in our life and work (usually meaning we are contributing to something bigger than us) we are happier and more satisfied with life. When we are doing things for others and are not so self focused, we are happier.

Are you happy? Who cares? It's fleeting any way. However, ask yourself  "are the people around me safe, comfortable, and able to offer their best at what they do?" When you focus on them and help them enjoy the best life they can have, you will find yourself enjoying life more and you will be happier than you have ever been. So, perhaps there is a point to World Happiness Day, even if it's only buying someone else a cup of coffee and making them happy.

You Need A Cheering Section

There is an interesting phenomenon in sports that also speaks to achievement and success for all of us. Studying the season of any team statistics strongly point to a “home court advantage.” Any team seems to play better when the cheering section is behind them. This is so much of a factor that in basketball, the fans are often called “the sixth man” as though they played the game with the team. But what has this got to do with success and achievement?

Recently the new CEO of Yahoo rattled the working world by calling their employees back into their offices. No more tele-commuting for Yahoo. Her motives focused on the necessity of employees interacting personally to foster innovation. Studies indicate that she is right about bringing employees together. Following her lead, Best Buy and KPMG also ordered their employees back into the office.

Let’s put aside the question of flexibility and work-life balance for a minute. I’m all for flexibility and utilizing the power of technology to complete work wherever and whenever the employee can. (I’ve done some of my best projects sitting on the sand looking at the ocean.) But for a moment, let’s look at some of the positives of working together.

Alex Pentland of MIT studies the highest performing work groups and found that one of the key factors for success is physical proximity. Teams that were near each other, where they could bounce ideas off each other, meet at the water fountain, take a coffee break or lunch together were more productive and innovative. They were more successful. Pentland even found he could identify that how the employees spoke to each other; where and how they stood in proximity to each other, was indicative of how successful the work group would be.

Additionally studies in Positive Psychology indicate that the social aspect of work, just being around other people and interacting with them, can make people happier. We are social animals and we enjoy being with others. The simple affirmation of being recognized as we walk into work, or in a restaurant, or bar, elevates us for the moment as part of a hive.

But we also need to consider the “cheering section” effect. Speaking to many people about their successes in life I realize that its very difficult to “go it alone.” When there are people around who acknowledge what you’ve done, how you’ve contributed and (if applicable) how good your work is, you do better work. It’s like having a “sixth man.”

Yes, there is a freedom that technology allows us so we can work from anywhere. But what are we giving up? We are social animals. We love a hive and to be part of one. So whether your company demands employees return to the office or not, you need to design your own cheering section. Meet at Starbucks with other workers. Take a home worker out to lunch. You will be amazed at the results. And, if you are really serious about succeeding, create your own cheering section. Identify the people who will encourage and help you along the way. Nothing will stop you because you will always have the home court advantage.

Want to Change the World? You Just Might Have

As I readied to begin, standing in front of a group of leaders in Tokyo, I realized I had a small window of time in which to connect positively or negatively. I greeted them in Japanese, wishing them a “good morning.”  After a moment’s pause I apologized, in English, and said “that’s  all the Japanese I know.” Smiles spread throughout the group and a few said, in English, “that’s okay.” The rest of the session was very positively received because of the contagion of smiles and vulnerability.

I bring this up after hearing Nicolas Christakis speak at the recent Positive Psychology Summit in Philadelphia. He said something profound that all of us need to consider as we interact with family, friends and our wider network. And if we really want to change the world for good this is essential. He said “networks magnify whatever they are seeded with.”

Whether it’s the first time in front of audience (like I was) or an intact family, or your network of friends the information, choices and even more important, the emotion we foist on our network impacts the entire group. A person’s attitudes, decisions and actions are based on the attitudes, decisions and actions of the people around them to the third degree of separation. If you think about it, with this information a random act of kindness isn’t so random once it affects your network.

What is so fascinating about Christakis’ research is that kindness and happiness spread to the third degree of separation in a network but meanness didn’t spread. You might be as surprised by that as I was. We hear so much about meanness, bullying, conflict, and war that it seems we are worse than ever. Yet the latest global research indicates that there is less conflict than ever in history. We just hear about it more.

So what does this mean? If we begin seeding our networks with kindness and goodness it will spread. But what about personal greatness? What about striving for our personal best every day? Will that also spread to the third degree of separation in our networks? I don't know since the research has not yet been done. yet I suspect that if kindness and happiness can spread so can striving for our best. If networks magnify that with which they are seeded perhaps we can unleash a movement toward a world where everyone can unleash their personal greatness. And the easy part is that it all starts by the way we treat the person next to us. 

Personal Greatness From the Long View

It was just an intuition, a moment I realized I had to look. As I pushed up the shade on the window next to my seat on Air Canada I was greeted by a beautiful site. The snow-whitened mountains of Alaska! And I realized that from that high in the sky, there are no differences in people, countries and policies. But another realization dawned on me. All of the work that has been done on personal greatness is also not about comparing one person against another, it is so the whole world can unite and unleash everyone's personal greatness.

Flying to Tokyo I was reflecting that many people believe greatness is the comparison of one person against another and a tally of their goals, achievements, virtues, etc. Perhaps that is true for historical greatness. It is a "zero-sum" game. Only one person can be the greatest at anything. That is why there are record books and gold medals. However, personal greatness is not a zero-sum game. As a matter of fact, if everyone in the world achieved her or his personal greatness no one would be less for it, all of us would be greater.

We live in a world dominated by comparisons. One person is better at this, one country better at that. Yet, personal greatness is striving to reach the best of who each of us can be. We compete against no one else, we just strive to realize and unleash our personal best. As a matter of fact, the inspiration and motivation we have from someone else doesn't lessen us, but helps us to see that perhaps we can reach just a little higher or do a little more.

I'm a competitor, but as I research and speak about personal greatness I realize that when we work with others rather than against them we all achieve more. So perhaps we need the view from 37,000 feet. We are all human, basically striving for the same things. Working together will enrich all of us. So I know this week as I speak to these senior managers here in Tokyo I will work as hard as I can to help them unleash their own personal greatness. Because from the long view, we are all in this together and if they move toward their personal greatness, I will also.