The Anatomy of a Selfie

2013 brought us the height of the "selfie," a self-shot photo of oneself in a specific place, doing something interesting, or just making a face. The ultimate online scream "LOOK AT ME." Selfie even placed among the most popular words of 2013 and also one of the most argued about. Yet if we look beneath the surface of this simple act of self-portraiture, lies a culture heading in the wrong direction.

The main focus of the selfie is ME. There is no doubt about that. I am the center, I am the subject, verb, adjective, adverb in this photographic sentence. All that remains around me is commentary. Look how well I am doing. Look how much fun I'm having (and you're not). Look how good I look. Even, look how stupid I look. But the main point is ME. If this were only an assignment for a single class in self-confidence, self-awareness or self-photography it might lie passively online consumed by friends and family and quickly forgotten. Yet I believe there is a stronger tie to where our culture is going and this is only a symptom of a larger sickness.

Western societies right now are in the grip of a weltanschauung (or world view) of ME. Walking through a bookstore yesterday (yes, there are a few left) I noted that the self-help section was prominently displayed and very extensive. Yet there is not a "world-help" or "community-help" section. We scream about individual rights and that is important, but what about the rights of the society? We walk down the street in our own selfie way expecting others to move or acknowledge us, yet there is not that same respect in return.

Small breakdowns begin to occur when ME is the focus. Why should I wait for a red light when I have to be somewhere? Why should I turn off my cell phone on the plane because I'm important and I might receive an important call (or even a not important call)? Why should I obey the law when it's not convenient for me?

A weltanschauung of ME means that society is present for my benefit and those within it are meant to assist me (translate this to "serve me") when I need them to. It means that I will not give up or weaken on anything I believe even for a greater good to the community (note our lack of congress). Laws become guidelines but mostly for others if I can skirt them and not get caught (the spike in drivers running red lights). And mostly life becomes a striving for my success even at the detriment of others (Enron and Madoff).

We live in a world where we have to move together, live together and survive together. Of course, history presents us with plenty of evidence of the danger of only focusing on the welfare of the community to the detriment of the individual. The key is a balance of focus on the interest of society and the interest of the individual. When we work toward balance everyone benefits, not just the few.

So the next time you want to take a selfie, ask someone to take it for you. Someone is always willing to take a few seconds and snap the shot. It only takes a moment to be vulnerable enough to ask for help. And you will have made a connection and possibly a friend.

Life is a Contact Sport

In our leadership session today someone quoted Marshall Goldsmith that “leadership is a contact sport.” The quote struck me as being applicable not only to leadership, but especially to life. Life is a contact sport. Who we connect with, how we connect and the depth of our contacts can greatly influence our well-being. Yet sadly, more of us are alone now than ever before.

Have you ever stood in a crowded room and felt very alone? When was the last time you were in a big city with people rushing around and you longed for a small room with a few friends or a loved one? Have you recently had the experience of speaking with someone who seemed preoccupied with everything (their phone, texts or emails) other than you? Welcome to the contact-free world.

Here in Japan this week I am definitely a foreigner. That doesn’t disturb me because I’m in this position fairly frequently. However what struck me on this trip is the lack of contact between so many of us. People pass each other without even a nod. There is little or no recognition of others unless they are in a small circle of friends or family and even then I watch as friends and family are distracted by the bings, beeps and buzzes of their mobile devices. It seems that many people walk through life as strangers and die alone.

Wow, that seems so depressing even as I write it, but I’m aware that we can choose to change that. Real life is a contact sport. When we connect with others, share life’s journeys and struggles, or minimally greet each other and acknowledge each other, life changes. It is elevated in the common joys and tears that we all share. There are some people who make the time to talk, eat, laugh, and experience life with others. It doesn’t mean we have to marry (though I enjoy that) but just make time to be with others.

Why do we hesitate? I don’t know. I know my hesitation to speak to others is that I don’t know how it will be received. But I know that as a stranger in a city I’ve had some interesting conversations with strangers which have transformed moments. We have shared a laugh, an insight, a frustration and momentarily in the mass of humanity, we made contact.

It doesn’t take much to reach out. It doesn’t take much to say hi, or to comment on some experience. Hey, what’s the worst that could happen? Someone gives you a nasty look and walks away. But many times you will make a connection and both of you will be better for it.

Life was made for contact. Maybe we can “go it alone” but the question arises, why should we? Actually it’s easier being in Tokyo. If I ask a question most people will respond just to help me out. But any of us can greet someone, answer a question, or make a connection. Contact changes everyone and it makes things better. 

Birthday Wishes and Personal Greatness

What happens on your birthday? Do friends, family and loved ones let you know how much you mean in their lives? Do you know by the end of the day that you matter to someone? Well, their wishes, or at least their presence in your life matter toward achieving your personal greatness.

October 28th is my birthday. Starting days earlier I celebrated with my partner, then on a different evening my business partner. On my birthday itself I received calls, cards, emails, and notices on Facebook from friends and family wishing me well. And it was on the train to Washington DC for work on my birthday that I realized the importance of all those well-wishers. I know I have a community that supports me because of who I am. Though it might be possible to achieve personal greatness alone without a supportive community, it is much more difficult.

Psychology has long understood the importance of the support of family and friends. Yet more and more we live in an isolating society that propels us away from our family and friends for the pursuit of our career. However, cut off from a supportive community, we lack the emotional and psychological backup if our resources are depleted. In other words, without a community it is difficult to always have the strength to be our best.

Positive relationships is one of the pillars to psychologically flourishing, according to Dr. Marty Seligman, and in Well Being, Tom Rath identifies it as one of the essential elements to well-being. Rath even states that we need six hours a day (that includes conversations, phone calls, texts and emails) of interaction with others to thrive in community well-being. Well-being and flourishing are essential to achieving personal greatness and a supportive community is a major factor in both of those psychological states.

Going it alone or rugged individualism hasn't stopped some individuals from achieving personal greatness, but I'm certain it didn't help them. So create a supportive community around you and watch what happens. The community doesn't have to be big, just supportive. Better yet, cultivate a community that both cherishes and challenges you to be at your best and you will see the results.

Perhaps birthdays aren't the best gauge of a healthy community of friends and family. But I know I can rely on them to support me when necessary and push me when appropriate. And at least one time a year, its nice to know they are all there.