Live Life on the Peaks

Happiness is not a subject near and dear to my heart. It's not that I'm against happiness, I tend to be a very happy guy. But happiness is not something I pursue. Anyone who consistently reads my writing know that I believe happiness  is a positive effect of pursuing individual greatness, but not the goal in itself.

However, though I don’t focus on happiness many people think I’m the ultimately happy guy who never looks at the dark side of life. Last week I was talking with a friend and she was opining that “on the journey of life you have to experience both the peaks and the valleys.” I agreed, but countered that “just because I experience the valleys on the journey of life doesn’t mean I have to stop and build my house there.”

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending a positive psychology summit at the University of Pennsylvania. It was attended by some of the smartest and most accomplished people I know. Dr. Ed Deiner spoke about happiness and revealed some studies that if you are super happy, you might not achieve as much as someone else who might be moderately happy. (Of course if you are depressed you might not accomplish much either.) Afterword I tried to pursue the point, but he deftly dodged it. However, his point was made. Some of the most prominent people in history struggled with their dark side and used it as a spring-board to creativity and success. It’s important to note that most of them didn’t wallow in their dark side, but acknowledged it and used it.

In the journey of life all of us experience peaks and valleys. However by living in the valleys we close ourselves off from the good side of life. Yes, it is important to experience the highs and lows, but since we all have a choice, why not build our homes on the highs? We can do that by enjoying the peak moments more, exploring them and learning how we can repeat them and treasuring them each time they occur. Then, with confidence we can experience and even explore the valleys, but in time move out and back up to the peaks. So the question remains, where do you want to build your house?

Are You Happy? Who Cares

Today is United Nations World Happiness Day. UN World Happiness Day  I didn't know that until I logged into Facebook this morning and someone posted it on their timeline. I'm not a big fan of focusing on happiness (and I'll get to that) but having a day to bolster happiness throughout the world might be a good thing.

For me, happiness is a byproduct, not the goal. I'm happy when I help others, when I finish writing something I'm proud of, when I connect with my friends and family and hear they are okay. Happiness isn't something I directly seek, but it is an emotion that tells me I'm in a good place. The challenge is that happiness is so fleeting and subjective. I can be very happy one minute and then, after someone tells me bad news, I'm depressed. This doesn't seem to be an end goal worth focusing on, and studies show that individuals who focus on achieving happiness tend to be less happy than others.

So the answer is to shift the focus! Stop thinking about your own happiness. 

 Recently I was in Dunkin Donuts with my business partner, Jan. We take turns buying coffee and it was her turn. As the woman rang up our order Jan said "and I'll pay for his order too" indicating the guy behind us. What ensued after the shock was an immediate refusal to allow her to pay. Then he reluctantly accepted (we are very suspicious in the North East). And finally he got to a point where he was really happy and thanked Jan profusely. The people behind the counter were also incredulous. However, what surprised me more was how it affected my mood. I only witnessed the generosity, but for a few hours after that I felt very happy and blessed.

Here is where real happiness begins. When we help others, all the studies indicate, we are happier for a longer period of time and the happiness is more substantial. When we have purpose and meaning in our life and work (usually meaning we are contributing to something bigger than us) we are happier and more satisfied with life. When we are doing things for others and are not so self focused, we are happier.

Are you happy? Who cares? It's fleeting any way. However, ask yourself  "are the people around me safe, comfortable, and able to offer their best at what they do?" When you focus on them and help them enjoy the best life they can have, you will find yourself enjoying life more and you will be happier than you have ever been. So, perhaps there is a point to World Happiness Day, even if it's only buying someone else a cup of coffee and making them happy.

You Need A Cheering Section

There is an interesting phenomenon in sports that also speaks to achievement and success for all of us. Studying the season of any team statistics strongly point to a “home court advantage.” Any team seems to play better when the cheering section is behind them. This is so much of a factor that in basketball, the fans are often called “the sixth man” as though they played the game with the team. But what has this got to do with success and achievement?

Recently the new CEO of Yahoo rattled the working world by calling their employees back into their offices. No more tele-commuting for Yahoo. Her motives focused on the necessity of employees interacting personally to foster innovation. Studies indicate that she is right about bringing employees together. Following her lead, Best Buy and KPMG also ordered their employees back into the office.

Let’s put aside the question of flexibility and work-life balance for a minute. I’m all for flexibility and utilizing the power of technology to complete work wherever and whenever the employee can. (I’ve done some of my best projects sitting on the sand looking at the ocean.) But for a moment, let’s look at some of the positives of working together.

Alex Pentland of MIT studies the highest performing work groups and found that one of the key factors for success is physical proximity. Teams that were near each other, where they could bounce ideas off each other, meet at the water fountain, take a coffee break or lunch together were more productive and innovative. They were more successful. Pentland even found he could identify that how the employees spoke to each other; where and how they stood in proximity to each other, was indicative of how successful the work group would be.

Additionally studies in Positive Psychology indicate that the social aspect of work, just being around other people and interacting with them, can make people happier. We are social animals and we enjoy being with others. The simple affirmation of being recognized as we walk into work, or in a restaurant, or bar, elevates us for the moment as part of a hive.

But we also need to consider the “cheering section” effect. Speaking to many people about their successes in life I realize that its very difficult to “go it alone.” When there are people around who acknowledge what you’ve done, how you’ve contributed and (if applicable) how good your work is, you do better work. It’s like having a “sixth man.”

Yes, there is a freedom that technology allows us so we can work from anywhere. But what are we giving up? We are social animals. We love a hive and to be part of one. So whether your company demands employees return to the office or not, you need to design your own cheering section. Meet at Starbucks with other workers. Take a home worker out to lunch. You will be amazed at the results. And, if you are really serious about succeeding, create your own cheering section. Identify the people who will encourage and help you along the way. Nothing will stop you because you will always have the home court advantage.

Want to Change the World? You Just Might Have

As I readied to begin, standing in front of a group of leaders in Tokyo, I realized I had a small window of time in which to connect positively or negatively. I greeted them in Japanese, wishing them a “good morning.”  After a moment’s pause I apologized, in English, and said “that’s  all the Japanese I know.” Smiles spread throughout the group and a few said, in English, “that’s okay.” The rest of the session was very positively received because of the contagion of smiles and vulnerability.

I bring this up after hearing Nicolas Christakis speak at the recent Positive Psychology Summit in Philadelphia. He said something profound that all of us need to consider as we interact with family, friends and our wider network. And if we really want to change the world for good this is essential. He said “networks magnify whatever they are seeded with.”

Whether it’s the first time in front of audience (like I was) or an intact family, or your network of friends the information, choices and even more important, the emotion we foist on our network impacts the entire group. A person’s attitudes, decisions and actions are based on the attitudes, decisions and actions of the people around them to the third degree of separation. If you think about it, with this information a random act of kindness isn’t so random once it affects your network.

What is so fascinating about Christakis’ research is that kindness and happiness spread to the third degree of separation in a network but meanness didn’t spread. You might be as surprised by that as I was. We hear so much about meanness, bullying, conflict, and war that it seems we are worse than ever. Yet the latest global research indicates that there is less conflict than ever in history. We just hear about it more.

So what does this mean? If we begin seeding our networks with kindness and goodness it will spread. But what about personal greatness? What about striving for our personal best every day? Will that also spread to the third degree of separation in our networks? I don't know since the research has not yet been done. yet I suspect that if kindness and happiness can spread so can striving for our best. If networks magnify that with which they are seeded perhaps we can unleash a movement toward a world where everyone can unleash their personal greatness. And the easy part is that it all starts by the way we treat the person next to us. 

Five Regrets of the Dying

I just read an interesting essay by Bronnie Ware about the five regrets of the dying. Apparently she also just published a book by that title. In her role as a palliative care nurse she listened as dying patients voiced what they regretted most in life. None of the regrets were earth-shaking. Most of them we would already guess. What interested me is that if all of this is so obvious, how come so many people are still regretting these things on their death bed? I mean really, if you know that hitting yourself with a hammer hurts, why do it? So let's look over the five regrets and see what we need to do to avoid them.

The first regret is that people ignored their dreams. I understand this. It's easy to let life take over and the next thing you look back and many years have gone by and you wonder what happened. But I think the challenge is deeper than that. Many of us as we came into adulthood stopped dreaming. I'm not talking about dreaming of singing at Carnegie Hall, though that might be your dream, but even little dreams about things you want to try or places you want to visit. Hey, start dreaming again and then pick one, even a  small one and go for it. It can really change your life.

Second, people regretted they worked too much. The regret stemmed from the fact that it took them away from family and loved ones. Again, this is very understandable, especially in our economy when we need any job we have. More of the challenge comes when we are not working. Is the time spent with our loved ones quality time? Are we truly present when we are home? We might find that this helps us want to get out of the office faster because the time at home is so wonderful.

Third, people regretted that they didn't speak up. This could be taken so many different ways, but I view it as the ability to be honest about both the good and the bad. Apparently people regretted they had not said what was necessary and had held grudges or resentments inside. Yet there is a broader context for this regret. What about all those things you want to say to loved ones, family or friends and you never do because you think they already know? Say it. Tell them you love them and tell them why. You will feel better and it might resolve issues, or bring someone closer.

Fourth, people regretted losing touch with friends. Our society now allows us the possibility of reaching out and touching someone around the planet. Yet there is no replacement for a face to face conversation. Taking time to dine with friends, or just talk is restorative. And the rest of life will still be there when we are finished.

Finally, people regretted that they did not choose to be happy. Out of all the regrets this was the one that surprised me the most. Not because I think that people want to be miserable, but because they realized too late that happiness was a choice. Every day we have the decision of how we will react to the world around us. We can choose to enjoy the sunrises and sunsets, the laughter of children and the way ice cream melts. We can choose to sing songs, or greet strangers with a smile. Or we can choose to be miserable and claim that life is hard. Yep, it is hard. And we can choose to make it harder by our attitude.

I don't intend to die soon, and I'm sure none of you do, but let's face it we don't know the day or the hour. These regrets are simple things to fix and it just takes a little time. So, pick a dream, take a day off, speak your mind, meet a friend and choose to be happy. You won't regret it.

Enough With Focusing On Happiness!

Recently there has been a plethora of articles and research on happiness. The "how" of happiness, the mindset of happiness, even the foods of happiness. It is seemingly everywhere. Yet we are no happier. The rates of depression, especially since the Second World War are staggering and even living in one of the safest and most developed nations in the world, we don't even rank in the top 10 as being the happiest. With all the focus on happiness, you'd think we could dent the statistics a little. The challenge is that we are focusing on the wrong thing.

Of course happiness is important, it's even in our bill of rights. Yet, like trying to grasp a wave, when you grab for happiness, it falls apart. Happiness is subjective, minute to minute. If you ask me right now if I am happy, I'll say yes because my computer is working, I have a full stomach and I know there is good coffee down the street. However, in a nanosecond my phone could ring bringing me bad news about someone I love and instantly my happiness is gone. So how can we spend so much time focusing on happiness when it disappears so quickly? All of the quick fixes in the magazines and on TV won't elevate our level of real happiness because it focuses on something very ethereal and fleeting. Rather our focus should be on living a full life and happiness will be one of the by-products.

The main paradox in the happiness phenomena is the focus on self. Almost all of the research and practice is how to elevate your happiness. This intense navel gazing only tends to make individuals more suspect of their own happiness and creates concomitant highs and lows in self-esteem and positive affect as they study their own mood swings. Good research has indicated that by doing something for someone else we raise the level of our happiness significantly and for a longer period of time. Wow, something as simple as a charitable act can change our well being. It's better than a tax write-off. And think of how the focus has shifted. By not focusing on ourselves, but focusing on helping others, we achieve what all the self-focus will not.

So too we can find happiness in what we do. Not by focusing on how I feel each and every day while doing my tasks, but focusing rather on doing the tasks and becoming absorbed in them. Engagement increases levels of happiness, well being and self-efficacy. Find something in your work that really engages you and let yourself get lost in it. You will be amazed at the difference.

Finally a focus on happiness in the moment necessarily moves us away from any suffering or struggle. Yet most of us have had moments in our lives when we've struggled to achieve something and suffered through the painstaking process. When we finally finish we feel better than we have in ages and that memory stays with us longer than almost any other.

I'm not saying we shouldn't be happy. However we need to stop focusing on it because we will never succeed in securing it directly. Unleashing our talents and abilities, especially for others and doing so in a way where we struggle to succeed is the surest way to deep and long-lasting happiness; it's just not popular to say so. We want the quick way to happiness, but that is also the quickest way to lose it. Focus on someone else and bring all your gifts and talents to bear. Happiness will come.