Unintentional Misogyny

I didn’t intend to be a misogynist, I didn’t even know I was one until I opened my eyes and looked at what was happening to someone I cared for, then I realized my ignorance and my complicity. Aside from intentional misogynists most of this country runs on an unconscious bias toward white, straight, rich men. There is no real “reverse discrimination” as some would claim. And if you’ve never been on the other side of prejudice you don’t have any idea what it really feels like. And that’s where we need some education in this country.

Twenty years ago I landed a job at Merrill Lynch and met a strong, independent, powerful woman, Jan Sparrow. We became friends and in 2000 we left Merrill Lynch to start our own consulting business. It was when Jan and I began to travel and work together that I saw the bias.

Though Jan had 16 more years in corporate America than I did and vast amounts of experience, she was often ignored when we pitched business and I was focused on. In hotels and airlines (when they still controlled upgrades) I was given upgrades and she wasn’t even though we had identical status in both. In meetings Jan was talked over and interrupted while I was allowed to speak unhindered. It was amazing and appalling. That’s what opened my eyes.

I always believed that everyone had an equal opportunity in this country, but the new research is pointing to a darker reality, our unconscious biases. We don’t know that we score women lower than men when we rate teachers, politicians and professionals. We complement girls and women on their looks and boys and men on their success. When meeting with married couples we defer to men in decision-making, sometimes not even looking at the women in meetings. When a man is strong and aggressive we call him “a go-getter” but if a women is strong and aggressive we call her a "bitch."

Sadly I use to defend myself by saying to women that I wasn’t the enemy; I believed in equality. Now I know that is not enough. I have to believe in inequality, in the subconscious bias that our society, our world teaches us. Jan and every women deserves that from me.

So, now I’m conscious of how women are treated in the boardroom, in lines, at dinners because I’m starting to see the reality that they are not treated equally. To all the men I suggest you find a professional female colleague and follow her around for a day with open eyes and ears. You will be amazed. To all the women, I encourage you to stand up to the misogyny and help us to open our eyes.

  **the reference below is the link to Nicholas Kristoff’s NYT article that inspired this blog. He has the research on bias in his article.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/22/opinion/sunday/nicholas-kristof-straighttalk-for-white-men.html?rref=collection%2Fcolumn%2Fnicholas-kristof

The Snowflake Strategy

Snow is gently falling outside my window. For those of us in the Northeast United States this is a common occurrence this winter especially in the past month. Yet as I gaze out on the winter wonderland that blanketed the area overnight I realize something about accomplishment that snow can teach us… a little bit at a time can cover the world.

Think about the size of a snowflake. Seriously! When we imagine just a small snowflake we might think “what could this possibly amount to?” Yet when we look at drifts, blizzards and snowbound areas we see the power of massing small incidental things to create enormous effects.

Many of us have dreams, some of them big and some of them small. Yet they remain as dreams because we can’t fathom reaching the end, finishing them. They seem too insurmountable. Whether you have a project at work or at home; for your life goal or a career necessity, at times it seems impossible to start.

That’s where the beauty of a snowflake comes in. Just a small, incremental step in the direction of your goal adds up. Just a little each day (and I mean a little) can add up to amazing amounts. Whether you are writing a book and only adding a paragraph at a time, or managing a project at work and just sent the first email, the gradual culmination of small things creates big effects.

What small thing can you do today to make one tiny dent in your “to do” list? What step could you take that would get a little closer to the goal? What tiny fragment could you place in your own world, or the world at large that eventually could blanket everything?

Weather Forecast for Greatness

Doesn't weather amaze you? The variations of each day; the multitudinous minuscule changes that accompany each shift in the atmosphere. Yet underlying all of the variations is an incredible consistency that we rely on. The sun rises each morning. We rotate around it in annual patterns and mostly we can predict what will happen during the various seasons because of this consistency.

Pursuing a goal, learning a skill, or ascending to the next level in anything runs according to this pattern. Yes, we need intensity to achieve great things. But if we only rely on intensity we will burn out, give up, or frustrate ourselves eventually. We need both consistency and intensity to learn or achieve anything. However

Consistency is more important than intensity.

I've learned this important lesson many times in my life as I attempted new skills, tried to attain the next level of ability in an area, or worked to achieve a goal. I'd start with incredible intensity, work for hours in a day only to have the discarded carcasses of goals, dreams and tasks litter my little office. I'm really good at intensity... for a short period. 

Studying individuals who have succeeded in amazing ways I've noticed they start with consistency. Each day, or every other day they pursue their goal, practice their skill or chip away at their project. The consistency takes on a routine and the routine propels them to completion. It is only with the foundation of consistency that intensity works. When there are those inspired moments, when you have the time to dedicate a full day to a project, or when you are driven to complete a certain phase, that intensity only helps take the consistency to a higher level. The important thing is not to give yourself a break the next day, or the next week because you have accomplished so much. Return to your practice the next day and return to your consistency. 

Predictions in weather happen because we know averages, norms, seasonal changes and conditions that drive change. Achievement and personal greatness can also be seen the same way. Whatever you want to do, develop a consistent pattern of working at it every day or every other day. Allow the intensity to arise when it will, but return to the consistency. That pattern helps forecast your success. 

Put Your Sneakers By The Door

I'm a runner. Okay, really I'm just a jogger and I usually plod along. But I'm most days you will find me outside running three to five miles. My friends ask me how I do it, how I get the discipline to run every day. Honestly, that's easy. It's become a habit. I automatically lace up my sneakers (mostly in the morning) and trek out just because it's become part of my day. I don't often think about the health benefits, or the extra food I might be able to eat. Running is just part of me.

I'm also a writer. Well, not really. I'm a blogger, who has written a few articles, a couple of books and most recently a chapter about Positive Psychology and high performance teams. However my writing, unlike my running, comes in fits and starts. At times I have to force myself to sit down and write something, anything, just to get going. But unlike those writers who say they have to write every day I havent' gotten in the habit. Why? I haven't put my sneakers by the door.

No, I haven't lost my mind. I've heard that in running one of the toughest things to do is lace up your sneakers. I disagree. The toughest thing is to put them on. When you place them where you can't miss them they are a constant reminder that they want to be worn. When I first went back to running a few years ago I put my sneakers in a very visible place as a reminder every day. Now I don't need to do that.

But what about something else you want to do? Whether you are a writer, a parent, a professional and there is something you want to improve on, or at least work at every day you can create habits. The easiest way to create a habit is to develop a ritual that you do on a consistent basis.

I've not created a ritual for my writing. For those who follow me on this blog I you know I haven't written for about a month. Though I know I write best in the morning I always find myself reading the news first, or scrolling through my emails and the next thing I know the morning has disappeared. Even running can be a distraction from my writing. A fellow artist told me the other day that he wakes up and starts writing. No distractions, no checking email. He has created the time and the space where he immediately puts words to paper (or words to screen). That might work for me. I need a visual reminder of what I want. As I open my laptop in the morning, or unscrew the top of my fountain pen I can enter a world of words and get lost in them.

Putting your sneakers by the door is a ritual reminding you to put them on. Placing your laptop or pen in a quiet area and going there the same time every day is equally as ritualistic. What is your ritual to the next thing you wish to do?

When The Going Gets Tough

Yesterday I was at the gym early in the morning for what I thought would be a quick workout. I was a little tired from the week, but wanted to do something to keep healthy, so I found myself there at 8:30 trying to break a sweat. Yet what happened over the next two hours surprised me. Yep, two hours! Now let me clarify something. I don't like lifting or working out in a gym. If there is a basketball game or a tennis match I can lose track of time and play for hours (or as long as my body holds out) but I don't really like just working out. So what happened?

Much of the time I am at this particular gym there are very few people there. I plod through my workout, some days feeling more energized, but most of the time I am watching the clock waiting for when I believe I've done enough. Yesterday there were a few people who I'm come to know in town and it seemed like everyone was in a mood to connect. I found out about birthdays and facial accidents (one guy accidently shaved part of his beard off). We laughed. We talked about weather and basketball. As this occurred I moved from equipment to equipment and worked harder than I have in many months. It was all because of my friends.

Studies at the University of Richmond show that when friends are with you, you judge challenges to be less difficult and therefore you are more likely to complete them. They also discovered that the pain centers of the brain don't register pain as much when you have a friend with you.

So often in our desire to change habits, optimize behavior, or achieve something, we believe we have to "go it alone." Yet, when the going gets tough, the tough get a friend. It lessens the challenge and we are more likely to succeed. Besides, when you achieve your goal, there is someone there to celebrate with.

You Need A Cheering Section

There is an interesting phenomenon in sports that also speaks to achievement and success for all of us. Studying the season of any team statistics strongly point to a “home court advantage.” Any team seems to play better when the cheering section is behind them. This is so much of a factor that in basketball, the fans are often called “the sixth man” as though they played the game with the team. But what has this got to do with success and achievement?

Recently the new CEO of Yahoo rattled the working world by calling their employees back into their offices. No more tele-commuting for Yahoo. Her motives focused on the necessity of employees interacting personally to foster innovation. Studies indicate that she is right about bringing employees together. Following her lead, Best Buy and KPMG also ordered their employees back into the office.

Let’s put aside the question of flexibility and work-life balance for a minute. I’m all for flexibility and utilizing the power of technology to complete work wherever and whenever the employee can. (I’ve done some of my best projects sitting on the sand looking at the ocean.) But for a moment, let’s look at some of the positives of working together.

Alex Pentland of MIT studies the highest performing work groups and found that one of the key factors for success is physical proximity. Teams that were near each other, where they could bounce ideas off each other, meet at the water fountain, take a coffee break or lunch together were more productive and innovative. They were more successful. Pentland even found he could identify that how the employees spoke to each other; where and how they stood in proximity to each other, was indicative of how successful the work group would be.

Additionally studies in Positive Psychology indicate that the social aspect of work, just being around other people and interacting with them, can make people happier. We are social animals and we enjoy being with others. The simple affirmation of being recognized as we walk into work, or in a restaurant, or bar, elevates us for the moment as part of a hive.

But we also need to consider the “cheering section” effect. Speaking to many people about their successes in life I realize that its very difficult to “go it alone.” When there are people around who acknowledge what you’ve done, how you’ve contributed and (if applicable) how good your work is, you do better work. It’s like having a “sixth man.”

Yes, there is a freedom that technology allows us so we can work from anywhere. But what are we giving up? We are social animals. We love a hive and to be part of one. So whether your company demands employees return to the office or not, you need to design your own cheering section. Meet at Starbucks with other workers. Take a home worker out to lunch. You will be amazed at the results. And, if you are really serious about succeeding, create your own cheering section. Identify the people who will encourage and help you along the way. Nothing will stop you because you will always have the home court advantage.

The Not-So Secret Tips of Accomplishing Tasks

There are things that need to get done in life and we admire those who accomplish them. The strategies they use are not secret, but there is good research as to why they work. Here are a few tips I've learned from the best.

1. Clarify your goal. The best "doers" I've met set crystal clear goals for the time they have so they know exactly what they want to get done. The clearer you are with your goals, the more you will accomplish.

2. Set a meeting with yourself. If you really need to accomplish a task, set aside some time to do that. And then, just as if you would in a meeting, turn off your handheld device and your emails. Research indicates that when you are working intently on something, a call or an email can distract your level of intensity for up to 15 minutes.

3. Work in 90 minute increments. The brain can only focus intently for about 90 minutes at a time. After that, with all the discipline in the world, you will find yourself distracted. Try working intently on something for 90 minutes, do something else for about 5 minutes and then go back to the more serious work. You will accomplish much more.

4. Focus on one thing at a time. In this hyper-paced society we believe we have to do three things at once. If you are honest with yourself, when you do three tasks simultaneously you do all three badly. Our brain is not capable of performing more than one complex task at a time. If you really want to get something done, just do that one thing.

The amusing part of these four steps is that most of us know them. We've heard them from various sources and can talk about them all day. Then why do most of us complain about getting nothing done and a small few get a lot accomplished? Because they actually do these steps and don't just talk about them. They "manage" their family, friends, associates, business colleagues and the rest of the world not to expect immediate responses but to know that everything will get done. And they practice the discipline of focusing for short bursts of time and then giving themselves a break.

That's how to get things done.

Have You Experienced Achievement Post-Partum Blues?

Okay, I've never had a baby. I'm not physically made that way. And I don't have any children, so I've not experienced the waiting and birthing process. Yet, I wonder if I'm not experiencing some kind of post-partum blues. Of course I'm not comparing the experiences because I'm sure the emotions of having a child are massive. Yet have you ever worked very hard at something, brought it to completion and after the celebration of completing it, felt a let down? Yep, that's what I'm talking about.

Recently I finished a chapter for a book that is much more academic and psychological than I usually write. It was intense over the year doing the research and the months and months of writing up until the time I finished it. Then last week I pressed the send button on my computer and it was all over. Of course I felt the brief time of euphoria, but just as quickly I found that I couldn't write anything for a week (hence no blog). I'm finally getting back to a sense of normalcy.

As I study greatness, I believe I've seen similar things. When any of us prepare diligently for a significant period of time, putting in vast amounts of energy, we experience a let down when it is done. I'm speculating on what happens, but I believe the energy and emotions to complete something big (a degree, a book, a deck), put us in a different space. Pushing ourselves in new directions, or having the discipline to move toward completion of a project is almost like a high. When it's over we come down.

I'm learning two things from this experience. The first is that I have to give myself the time to experience the post-partum. There is a natural ebb and flow in life that makes the highs worth it. When we complete something, we come down off the high and it feels very different. Typically in the past I would immediately engage in something else and deny myself the time to realize what I had done. We need to give ourselves time to savor our achievements even when it gives us an emotional let down. Yet the second thing I've learned from this experience is that by letting myself experience and live through the post-partum I am now excited and ready to engage in something brand new with more energy than before.

So when you finish something you've diligently striven for and you finally put it to bed know two things. You will probably experience a period of feeling emotionally down. Live with it, because is really instructive about how much work you've put into something. And then be ready to experience renewed energy. It will come and you can re-engage fully.

Routine Deserves Better Press

Do you want to get something done, or do you want to be spontaneous and innovative? As a writer, speaker and entrepreneur (and a researcher about achievement and greatness) I'm torn between creating routines and being spontaneous and creative. People who love being spontaneous tell us that they wait for the moment to strike and then they write all night, or create new work, or just get tons of things done. Other say that they have to dig in the same time each day and gradually get things done. Though I'd like to be thought of as spontaneous, creative and flexible I've learned to lean toward routine and I believe if you really want to accomplish something you should too.

Routine and ritual have gotten a bad name over the past few years. People pass them off as dull and boring, or even worse they call them the four letter word - "work." And we know what happens then, people can't wait to finish work and get to life. That's a topic for another time, but in short there is no dichotomy between life and work.  However back to ritual and routine. What ritual and routine develop, if embraced correctly, is a mental attitude and preparedness that allows you to engage in the process faster and be more productive.

I've  ritualized my day a little more lately and here is what I've discovered. Once I have my first cup of coffee and done some meditation my mind is ready to write because that's what I'm setting time aside to do. I find myself relaxing into the complex dynamic of putting words together early in the day. Recently, because of an upcoming deadline, I've been writing until noon. The more I do it, the faster I drop into the zone, words flow and I'm more productive.

Of course it is not spontaneous. It is not pretty and no one is going to make and indie film for Sundance based on someone doing the same thing for a few hours every day. But it works. Think about something you've longed to accomplish: painting a room, building a deck (not me), writing a book, or learning a language.
- Pick a time: if you start at the same time every day your body and mind will adjust and be prepared to dive in. You don't have to start exactly the second you choose, but close to it.
- Pick an amount of time: be reasonable. I can only write until noon right now because I'm not traveling.I normally write for one hour each morning. So decide on the amount of time you can spend each day on the task. If you allocate too much time you will give up quickly because there are other things to do.
- Just sit there. I've found that the discipline of just being in the space helps. When you first start, you may find that time drags, or you can't seem to start. Stay the full time. Eventually your mind will adjust and you will be productive in the time.
- Just start. I'm met so many people who've never been able to finish anything because they were always preparing. Sometimes you just have to write the first word, the first note, hammer the first nail, learn the first word and then you are off and running.

Ritual and routine need better press because it is within this framework that the most creative people work.  Every morning when I sit down to write, there are some days when my fingers fly on the keys, other days when I plod. But each day I'm always grateful for what I accomplished the day before. So, how about you? What do you want to accomplish? Time to set up the routine.

The "Magic Wand" of Motivation

The CEO asked us a third time "So, how do we teach my leaders to motivate others?" That he returned to the question after we explained our process twice was not a good sign. So we probed a bit more. Eventually he admitted he wanted a sure-fire, easy way to motivate others to work harder than they had ever before, and he wanted it in simple sound bites that his managers could dole out to the employees. Taking a deep breath I told him "I don't think you can motivate anyone to do anything, especially adults." He looked at me like I had just kicked his dog. "This is going to be interesting" I thought to myself. And the meeting went on from there.

That CEO and others believe that with the right technique you can get people to climb mountains. I think they are wrong. I don't believe you can motivate anyone. People motivate themselves when given the proper tools and platform. For years I've studied the techniques and processes of "great motivators" but in the end I discovered that they don't really change us; we change ourselves. Once the pieces are in place people can motivate themselves to do almost anything, but no one can compel them if they don't buy in. So here are just a few of the important pieces I've learned that help me motivate myself. Perhaps you have more that help you. It is important to remember that this is about motivation, not grit or perseverance.

1. A goal you believe in. Too often we attempt to do things that are not really a goal we embrace. They are goals foisted on us by someone else. Can we accomplish them? Probably with enough sweat, but we won't be motivated to complete them for the sake of the goal. We might be motivated out of a sense of pride, but that comes later. The primary building block for motivation is that we have to believe in and want the goal for ourselves, not for someone else.
   
2. The right stuff. Once the goal is in place we have to question whether we have the skills and ability to attain the goal, or can we learn them. A goal without the skills to get there is just a pipe dream, (like my goal of playing in the NBA) but if we can learn the skills we can attain the goal.
   
3. A plan. I've found that having an idea of the steps necessary to achieve the goal is important. Not that everything has to be laid out perfectly. Part of motivation is flexibility in the face of obstacles. But have an overview of how you want to attain your goal. It helps focus your energy.
   
4. A team. When there are others around you who support your goal it can be the most motivating experience in the world. Nothing is better than friends, family or colleagues to cheer you on. And it doesn't hurt to have people hold you accountable. When others know about your goal, having to answer to them can be quite motivational.
   
5. Celebrate the victories. All along the way, celebrate. When you finish a chapter in your novel, a new painting, a new distance in your running, any new step that you achieve - celebrate it. That is what keeps you going when things get tougher. 

These are just a few of the ideas  that keep me going when I'm trying to achieve something. Perhaps you have more. But I know that words from a great speaker, or ideas in a great  book don't get me going... I do. I'm the one who motivates me out of bed in the morning and on to the tasks at hand. So, what are you motivated to do?

Intensity Versus Consistency: What Wins?

At least one day a week, maybe two, a friend of mine goes to the gym and really works hard. I mean he goes all out in a spinning class, lifting or some other form of exercise. Yet he can't seem to understand why his shape does  not improve. I'm no fitness guru, but I've learned that consistency is more important than intensity for good  health. Though I've shared that nugget of info with him he still believes he can maintain his health on two intensive days a week. But there is a larger application of this pearl of wisdom and that is to any area of our own personal achievement or personal greatness.

Aristotle once said (or it was attributed to him) that "excellence is not an act, it is a habit." Whether or not Aristotle said this there is extreme wisdom in it. Whether applied to an Olympic athlete, a great musician, artist, or a good person, there is not one moment that defines them. They are defined by all of the struggle, work, sweat and consistency leading up to their own excellence.

People tell me all the time about the books they want to write, the trips they want to take, the goals they've set that they want to achieve and yet time goes by and nothing is done. The key is consistency. Do a little each day and your goal will be accomplished. Too many of us cringe at the daunting goal that we hope to achieve one day. Yet, it is the little goals, accomplished every day that lead to personal greatness.

So, what is your goal, or something on your "bucket list" that you hope to accomplish? What have you done about it today? That is the key. Then take time every day to add to what you are doing. Eventually you will  examine your goal and realize that you've attained it.

Examining my life, the only way I've accomplished anything is to consistently pursue it. If I waited for the right moment, or when I was "inspired" or when everything came together I'd get nothing done. Consistency is much more important than intensity.

Where Are Your Calluses?

I picked up my guitar yesterday. It was painful. No, not the music I tried to play, but the tips of my fingers after 30 minutes. They were killing me and I had to stop. I thought to myself "wow, it wasn't that long ago that I'd play for hours and not have a problem." Who am I kidding? It was long ago and I haven't played in years. Most important I've lost the calluses I had built up in the past and now I've got to do it all over again.

In the 13 years that we've been researching achievement and greatness there is one characteristic that continues to dominate why people are successful; hard work. Great individuals and high achievers work hard at their craft, usually much harder than anyone else in their field and that is why they achieve. Very few are the smartest, strongest, or fastest genetically. There are others who should beat them. But these individuals who succeed out-work others every time.

We live in a society that eschews dedication and hard work even as we protest that we are working too hard. We want everything quickly and easily. Immediate gratification is the order of the day. And we expect that we can have an innate talent in something so we won't sweat even as we win. That is a mindset that will defeat us eventually.

Carol Dweck has studied success for over 40 years and her recently published book, Mindset, offers interesting research indicating that how we perceive our talents and abilities can have a direct affect on our success. She identifies two different ways to think about your abilities. The fixed mindset believes that abilities or intelligence are fixed and that there is only so much that anyone has. So, if you are inherently talented in guitar, for example, you have that amount of talent. (that is not me) The growth mindset believes that all of our abilities and intelligence can be developed. The difference in the two is when they encounter challenges or hard work. The fixed mindset believes that they should easily succeed and overcome anyone or anything. That means initially they can't show anyone they are working hard and if they fail, it demoralizes them. The growth mindset however sees challenge and failure as an impetus to work harder. They eventually will succeed because they believe they learn from challenge and failure. The good news, according to Dweck, is that we can change our mindset.

So, where are your calluses? What is it that you work hard to develop, or produce and you continue day after day even in the face of challenge? Everyone of us has the potential to unleash the best of our abilities and talents, but it doesn't come in a day, a month or a year. Success is hard work. Once we embrace that mindset, we have set ourselves on the right path for personal greatness.

As for me, I'll pick up the guitar again today, even though it is painful. I've been wanting to play again for years and now is the time. I'll know I'm succeeding when the calluses develop.

Stop Waiting: Launch and Learn

Recently I've noticed an interesting phenomenon that occurs when a group of people are gathered waiting for something such as an airplane, subway, elevator, etc. If someone pulls out their blackberry, phone, or iphone, other people do also. Though I've no research to cite, it seems that people just want to show others that they are important and busy. Instead of just waiting, they seem to want to show that they have people to call, emails to read and texts to send. Many of them, if you look closely are just playing games. Yet the important part of all these actions are to "look busy."

However the reality for many people is that though they are busy "looking busy" they are actually waiting for something to occur. When I ask people what hinders them from pursuing dreams, living fully, having enriching relationships, most of the time the answers involve waiting for something to occur or someone to do something. They give me very valid reasons that they will start something, but they are waiting "until I have time," "when I have more money," "when the kids are out of school," "when the kids are in school" and the list goes on and on. I also catch myself waiting for the "right time" to launch new ventures. But what are we really waiting for?

Though I believe in being prepared, I personally know that sometimes waiting is my excuse not to start. I rationalize what I need to begin a project, for example, and then wait until whatever I need magically appears. Sometimes the waiting has taken years. It's time to be honest with ourselves.

Successful individuals who have vibrant, exciting lives are not waiting for others to make life exciting. They choose to do so. Individuals who start new ventures, or personal projects and succeed often do it in the face of small resources, lack of support and little time, yet they succeed anyway. Perhaps we are waiting for the right time because we want it to be perfect. It won't be! Perfect doesn't exist. So with any venture the key is "launch and learn" i.e., start something and learn as you go.

Waiting is the perfect excuse, even when we claim we are too busy. But what are we really waiting for? It will never be the perfect time, perfect person, perfect idea. Launch into it and learn as you go. There is really nothing more exciting than to be in the middle of doing something you enjoy. And you can really have something to do rather than stand around fingering your mobile device.

Trade Your Bucket List for a Treasure Chest

Let's face it, we are a society that likes everything quick. We pile up at drive-thru windows when it might be faster to get out of the car and go inside. We bemoan slow internet speeds and want the newer devices so they download fast. We even have that really annoying commercial castigating us because our information "was so 42 seconds ago." So is the concept of waiting and working for something really dead or can we still take time to accomplish something great?

An article in the New York Times a few weeks ago unveiled the reality of kids publishing their books at 10 years old or younger. Bankrolled by their parents, they printed copies of their doodles, dreams, and dramas and sold them to any willing family member or friend. Yet one line in the article questioned the long-lasting results of this instant achievement. If you publish your first book at 10, where do you go from there?

There is a characteristic that is very common among individuals who achieve great things and succeed where others fail. It is called "grit." Researched by Angela Duckworth at the University of Pennsylvania and others, this characteristic is predictive of success in academics, work and life. Boiled down, grit means that you have the perserverance and the energy to keep working to achieve something rather than settle for something fast and easy.

I am curious if grit can be developed at a later age. For those of us who had few struggles early in life and usually got what we wanted, can we develop this characteristic now? The answer will be "no" if we continue to short-cut projects, demand results immediately or live continuously in an instant world. The discipline of working toward something is rich and rewarding, full of emotional highs and feelings of success, and it takes time.

Perhaps one of the ways we can move toward mastering this discipline is to think a little differently. I hear so many people talk about a "bucket list" of things they want to accomplish in their life. But you can only fit small, quick things in bucket. Perhaps we need to have a "treasure chest" since you can fit bigger things in a chest. This treasure chest would hold the desires of accomplishments that would enrich our lives, but take some time to achieve, like writing a book, creating a symphony, starting a fund, or learning an instrument.

Rather than just checking something off our list, treasure chest goals can build self-efficacy as we strive for them, engagement as we pursue them, and enrichment as we achieve them. They take time, but we will be better for it and perhaps we can really develop our grit.

Be Like Michelangelo

As little children we are allowed to indulge our fantasies. We "play" astronaut, lawyer, doctor, businessperson, actor and try on various occupations at our whim. We dream of accepting the Nobel Prize for peace, or literature and believe we can make a difference in the world. Even to a certain point, adults indulge us and ask, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" and then they usually smile at our innocence. Then reality hits. We somehow learn to believe we are much like other children, not special and without extraordinary talents or abilities. School and interaction with our peers reinforces the sad result of standing out or being different, so many of us learn to blend in with the crowd. Imagine the gifts and talents that are lost or underused.


Michelangelo once said "the greater danger for most us of lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short, but in setting our aim to low and achieving our mark." Perhaps the challenge is that we worry about the falling short, or the failure. Yet in reality our lives are richer when we strive for difficult achievements whether they are personal changes or to help others. Each day becomes valuable for as much as we can move toward something larger than ourselves. So it does not benefit us to "settle" but rather to have fun seeing what we are capable of doing. 


Admittedly, it's easier to "settle" and just get through life. Still it pales in comparison to lives lived in pursuit of a loftier goal. That goal might not include the Nobel Prize, but it could mean being the best parent, boss, co-worker that we are capable of being. We might set a goal to write a novel, or book of poetry or to speak in front of a group of people. Perhaps we might win the Pulitzer Prize, or not. Does it matter? No, even the striving will enrich our lives. 


The choice of how we live and experience our lives is up to us. There is no one else around to ask, "what do  you want to be when you grow up?" So, look into the mirror and ask yourself that question, then set your sights high. The journey is worth it.

Do You Own Your Life?

"What we say and what we do ultimately comes back to us so let us own our responsibility, place it in our hands, and carry it with dignity and strength."  Gloria Anzaldua


I discovered this quote as I researched a workshop I'm facilitating tomorrow on personal greatness. This quote sums up the pivotal point of achievement and personal greatness. We have to own it. In all of the study we've done over the past decade we can't move past this moment as the key to utilizing all of the resources and capabilities each person has. Living in a place where you believe you determine how you act, what gifts you bring to each moment and how you act moment to moment transforms you. It is the ultimate individuality, the ultimate courage and the ultimate risk, because standing alone in who you are and what you choose to do, you accept the reality that there is no one else to blame, no one else to pass the buck. You stand and are counted as an individual with all of the responsibilities, all the blame and all of the praise.

Of course we work with others and many times achievements are joint projects, yet the group cannot achieve if each member does not bring the best gifts and talents they have each and every day. Where there is synergy, you can feel the energy pulsing between members of a high achieving group. But you cannot control, demand or blame others for not bringing their best. You can only control yourself. That is one of the first principles of ownership.

The other factor about ownership is that you are always, everywhere totally free to choose how you will act and think. Though there may be forces which compel you to act certain ways, you are still free to decide how you will act and think. Sometimes your actions will be in accord with society, your peers and friends and common consensus. However there are times when you are compelled to think differently, act independently, and stand your ground  realizing you have to accept the responsibility of your actions.

Of course then, there is no blame. Individuals who succeed rarely spend time and energy pointing to others as to why they cannot succeed. They don't blame their parents, siblings, social status, country, education, or bosses as barriers to what they hope to achieve. They identify what they can control and work within that limitation to the best of their ability. That's how they lift themselves above their situations and succeed.

There is no greater feeling than to accept that you are totally in charge of your life. It is also a frightening feeling, because there is no one else to point to for failure. But taking the reins of your life and steering where you want to go, becoming the person you want to become and moving toward your destiny is a heady experience. It is ownership at it's best. Own your life and carry it with dignity.

Greatness is Like Going To The Dentist?

Okay, I spent this morning at the dentist. Nothing bad, just a cleaning and checkup that I'd put off for a little over a year. Gratefully, the results were good and there is nothing out of the ordinary, so I'm off the hook for at least 6 months. But while in the dentist chair I was thinking about some shocking statistics I heard recently. Apparently the number of cavities, root canals, even crowns and dental surgery has skyrocketed in the past year. What was most shocking was that it is occuring to young children. The researchers traced one of the causes back to lack of desire on parents part to subject their children to regular brushing because "the children didn't like doing it." Though I'm not a parent, I'm concerned.

Growing up many of us learned the lessons of perseverence because we were encouraged to work for something if we really wanted it. We learned to be happy with the struggle because at the end of it, we would be rewarded with the prize we worked so hard to achieve. Whether it was purchasing a guitar, making a spot on a team, studying to make the honor roll, we embraced the concept that hard work paid off. Psychologists call it "delayed gratification" or if you look at in in terms of perseverence, they call it "grit." Sadly we are quickly becoming a society where happiness and wellbeing is so highly prized at every moment that there is little attention paid to the necessity of long, hard struggle to achieve something worthwhile. Or, ideally, to enjoy the struggle because it means that in the end, you will succeed.

Over the 12 years spent studying personal greatness, I'm always impressed with the fortitude of those who continue practicing, striving, fighting to attain something they really want, and I'm fearful we are creating a society where that characteristic will be a rareity. Recently I'm started setting tough goals for myself once again and going after them. Why? Because I've realized how much I've been seduced into selecting happiness in the moment rather than struggling for something really worthwhile.

Think about it for yourself. What are you striving for that might take time, sweat, and maybe tears, but you will be grateful when you've done it? That one goal might change your life or just the process will make you a healthier, happier person. Going to the dentist is not fun, but I'm healthier for it and probably in the long run I will be happier.