Set Your Parents Free

I just returned from visiting my parents for a few days. No, it was not painful. I'm one of those people who happen to love his parents. But I was very conscious on this visit of how much blame is placed on parents for the way their children turn out. Whether the children are spoiled, disciplined, coddled, or potty trained early it seems to provide so many people with the reasons they cannot excel. Well, whether your parents were perfect or not, it's time to set them free.

Just before my trip I stumbled on brand new research about the father's role in the development of his children. Though this research still has to be replicated, scientists believe that the experiences of the father somehow are genetically transmitted to their children. If the father had to struggle and work hard to succeed there is some sort of genetic transmission through their sperm that creates a greater likelihood their children will be willing to struggle more. They tested this theory on mice and found that even when they never allowed the father near the children, if the father had been courageous and fearless, so were the children. If the father had experienced failure and rejection and then withdrew, the children were more hesitant.

Seem like we have more to blame our parents for? No. Of course I could wax poetic about freedom of choice and how we have to become "real" adults by creating our own future. But I'm not going there, this time. What is more astounding is the strong research that people who have difficult childhoods often outperform their peers in a number of areas. Yes, because of the struggles they had when they were young, they tend to have higher courage and grit. They just don't quit.

One study of professional footballers in Australia found one common theme among all of the top players. They all had struggled or suffered through something as children and it drove them to be the best. Similarly there are other studies that show the same factors of early childhood struggle drive the best singers, actors and scientists. (There is part of me that worries I might have had it too good).

So whether our parents were amazing at encouraging us, or they were distant, we get to choose what we will do with that material. Yes, our parents are our foundation, but once the foundation is laid, it's up to us to architect the masterpiece that will go on top of it.

Years ago I tried something. I told my parents I loved them and I loved how they raised me and now it was my turn. They tried to object that they could have done better (I don't see how) but I wouldn't hear it. I told them they were free. I wasn't holding anything against them and now I would build on what they gave me. It was one of the most freeing things I've ever done both for my parents and me. Try it, and your parents will love you for it and you will feel the full power and responsibility of creating your own personal greatness.

There is No Instant Greatness

I was at the gym this morning when I thought of Stephen King, the writer. No, it wasn't because I encountered something scary. (Unless you count when I realize I'm losing the age battle.) Right now I'm reading Stephen King's book, On Writing. Written in 2000, it's Kings ideas about what it takes to be a good writer. One of the points King hammers home in the book is that writing takes work and good writing takes a lot of work. What hit home to me this morning at the gym is that everything we want to do well requires hard work and that's not something we like to think about in this country.

We live in a society galvanized by the idea of "instant." Instant fame, instant celebrity, instant wealth. We surround ourselves through media with those who have made it in an instant. The subtle message is that if we are lucky we can have instant something. But if we look at people who are "instantly" propelled to the spotlight, we will realize one of two things.

First of all, if they arrive seemingly out of nowhere, they will go back just as quickly. People who have no talent or work ethic seldom last long as paragons of success. Success is built on sweat and perseverance with opportunity thrown in for zest.

On the other hand, there are those individuals who have toiled hard at their skills for many years. It's just that they've flown under the radar screen. When they arrive it seems like they are "instantly" successful, but that's not quite true. When Stephen King wrote Carrie and sold it successfully he had been writing and getting rejected for years. He just kept at it.

Honestly I sometimes worry about our country. There seems to be a growing sense of entitlement and a shrinking sense of work ethic. Yet there are still individuals who work their butts off to create the best life they can for themselves and their families. They are the people we should be emulating, not some instant celeb on TV who hasn't worked a day in his or her brief life.

There are multiple studies suggesting that our behavior changes as we watch others. We emulate what we see. So we need role models who are struggling and working hard. They will make us succeed when we don't think it's possible. Because in the end, it's those who continue the struggle who will triumph. As for me, I guess I've got a lot of work to do.

Trade Your Bucket List for a Treasure Chest

Let's face it, we are a society that likes everything quick. We pile up at drive-thru windows when it might be faster to get out of the car and go inside. We bemoan slow internet speeds and want the newer devices so they download fast. We even have that really annoying commercial castigating us because our information "was so 42 seconds ago." So is the concept of waiting and working for something really dead or can we still take time to accomplish something great?

An article in the New York Times a few weeks ago unveiled the reality of kids publishing their books at 10 years old or younger. Bankrolled by their parents, they printed copies of their doodles, dreams, and dramas and sold them to any willing family member or friend. Yet one line in the article questioned the long-lasting results of this instant achievement. If you publish your first book at 10, where do you go from there?

There is a characteristic that is very common among individuals who achieve great things and succeed where others fail. It is called "grit." Researched by Angela Duckworth at the University of Pennsylvania and others, this characteristic is predictive of success in academics, work and life. Boiled down, grit means that you have the perserverance and the energy to keep working to achieve something rather than settle for something fast and easy.

I am curious if grit can be developed at a later age. For those of us who had few struggles early in life and usually got what we wanted, can we develop this characteristic now? The answer will be "no" if we continue to short-cut projects, demand results immediately or live continuously in an instant world. The discipline of working toward something is rich and rewarding, full of emotional highs and feelings of success, and it takes time.

Perhaps one of the ways we can move toward mastering this discipline is to think a little differently. I hear so many people talk about a "bucket list" of things they want to accomplish in their life. But you can only fit small, quick things in bucket. Perhaps we need to have a "treasure chest" since you can fit bigger things in a chest. This treasure chest would hold the desires of accomplishments that would enrich our lives, but take some time to achieve, like writing a book, creating a symphony, starting a fund, or learning an instrument.

Rather than just checking something off our list, treasure chest goals can build self-efficacy as we strive for them, engagement as we pursue them, and enrichment as we achieve them. They take time, but we will be better for it and perhaps we can really develop our grit.

Missed Opportunity

Sadly both Obama and McCain missed an opportunity to move this country toward greatness Even now they could do it, but it will take a strong leader. At the second debate, they were questioned when they would ask the citizens of this country to sacrifice. We are in the midst of two wars, tumultuous upheaval in the financial markets, and a deepening reliance on foreign oil. Yet in all of the talk, there has been no request for us, as citizens, to do anything. We are just supposed to go on about our business and not be a part of the future of our nation. That cannot happen.

Individuals, organizations, and nations that achieve greatness do so through sacrifice and struggle. They put aside individual comforts for the greater good. They realize that even small actions, combined, have tremendous impact. There is no person, organization, or nation that achieved greatness without sacrifice. Our nation was built on that notion, but recently we've seemed to have lost our concept of personal responsibility. Once we elect our leaders (which only a small percentage of us do) we then leave it to them to make everything right. It gives us great comfort that when things do not go our way we can blame them and not have to look in the mirror.

Whether they do it now or when one of them gets in the White House, either Obama or McCain has to call on all of us to help fix the problem. Though both of them have promised to end the Iraq war one way or the other, we still have to deal with the return of our troops and treating them well. We have a tremendous dependence on foreign oil and we could curb our use of it daily, move toward more energy efficiency and assist companies to find alternative fuel sources. We could even assist in repairing our international relations. All of us know people in countries around the world. A focused effort of contact with friends, asking for their assistance and getting a strong message out about our global concern, could begin to turn the tide, rather than wait for diplomats to do it.

I'm sure there are other ideas you have to change the world. But there are few of us who have the impact of a Bill Gates. Together, however, we can make a difference.

We need to be challenged by a leader who tells us what we can do and doesn't take it all on him or her self. We need to know we are part of the remedy. That struggle unites a people. That struggle unites a nation. That struggle makes a nation great.