What's the Payoff to Your Behavior?

A couple of years ago my business partner and I made the decision to give up professional coaching. We had a pretty strong practice coaching individuals in organizations and it was a nice revenue stream for our business, but it was driving us both nuts. What we could not figure out was why so many men and women engaged in destructive behaviors, vowed to stop and yet continued even in the face of honest feedback and eventually disasterous results. And yet, I can’t judge them because I also have behaviors that get in the way of my achievement or having a great life and I don’t change them. So what is the problem?

The problem is that no matter what behavior we’ve developed we’ve done it because it pays off in some way. We are getting something out of it. Let me give you an example. A friend of mine is smart, funny, attractive and passionate about what he does. He is also a real drama queen. Nothing is ever normal; everything is over the top. The guy pops Xanax like candy because of the “bad” days he is having. And it pays off for him. How? He gets attention, tons of it and I’m sure that is what he wants. He has read the positive psychology books I’ve offered him and is constantly stating that he wants to be more positive, but why should he? He gets what he wants from his behavior.

What I’m finally learning about adult behavioral change is that until we see the benefits of the change as a greater payoff than the current bad behavior we won’t change a thing.  So, the potential health gains in the future from eating salad instead of fries are not enough of a payoff for me to avoid fries now. I just love the taste; screw the “healthy” future.  I guess I need more evidence to weigh against the wonderful, immediate taste of the fries.

The first step to change any behavior is to ask ourselves what we gain from it. Every behavior, even a very destructive one, has a payoff and once we identify what that is, we can examine ways to achieve that same result with healthy behaviors. This just takes some real honesty on our part because our reasons for doing things sometimes links to the real difficulties in our lives that we are coping with. We have to keep asking the question “what am I getting out of this?” until we hit a rock-bottom reason. Then we can begin to build the alternate positive behavior that will bring the same results.
 
This is not that easy to do, but anything worthwhile in life is not that easy. However just the awareness of why we do something can be the key to unlock a behavioral change. But I’ve got work to do.  I’m still trying to determine what is better than an order of super sized fries.

That's Not Empowerment, It's Abandonment!

Recently we sat with the new core team of a very large non-profit. They want to change their organizational structure to a flexible, nimble environment that is innovative and open, so they flattened the organization, took away restrictions and told staff "be creative, be innovative" The result? Panic and paralysis for most of the staff except for a rare few. Why? The core team thought they were empowering the staff to be creative. Essentially they were abandoning the staff to uncertainty. The difference between empowerment and abandonment is important for anyone who is mentoring, leading, parenting or coaching someone else.

We see it all the time. Leaders, coaches, even parents want to help someone learn something new. So they gently nudge them to attempt the new skill, embrace the new behavior, or accept the "stretch" assignment. Then they sit back and watch. Usually the outcome is not what they expect. The person either freezes, turns in something they've done before, or botches it badly. The leader then reflects "well, I empowered them to get this done." Yet in reality they did not empower the other person as much as abandon them.

Abandonment is when we suggest that someone learn a new skill, or take on a new job and we don't provide the support they need. Working at Merrill Lynch in the 90's I was tasked with creating on-line training for our managers. With no training, poor materials, tight deadlines, and no support, I failed. And my boss said to me she was disappointed I wasn't able to achieve my "stretch" assignment. She thought she had empowered me when in fact she had abandoned me. So what are the necessary components for real empowerment?

Direction. There are some people who, with no direction, can decide what they want to achieve and move toward it. Most of us however need to have some idea of what we are trying to accomplish. It might be mastering a new skill, or attempting new work, but we need to have an idea of the end goal.

Training.  Asking someone to try something new without providing some training is almost bound to fail. Anything that involves doing something you've never done before requires some education. It avoids the stumbling over simple mistakes and allows the person to have some security as they try something new.

Materials.  Providing the proper equipment to help the person succeed is also essential. Tasked with creating online training, I was using an old computer that couldn't keep up with new software. It was laughable (well, I can look back now and laugh).

A Sounding Board.  When people are attempting new work or risking themselves in a new venture, they need someone to talk to. Too often those who "abandon" them say "I don't need to hear from you until it's done." They don't realize that they are not setting the person free, they are inhibiting them because they can't dialogue about the challenges or successes.

Support.  This is the most important difference between empowerment and abandonment. The fear of failure is a major factor that inhibits success. In order for someone to focus on something new and accept the risks, they need to know that they will be supported if it fails. Otherwise they will only hesitantly try new things while they protect themselves from the potential fall out. The sweetest words I heard from a manager giving me a stretch assignment was "Don't worry. I've got you covered." That's when I was set free.

Lessons Learned While Cooking

Last night I cooked dinner. I call it "Pasta Rustica" which is basically onions, garlic, capers, red pepper flakes and tomatoes thrown over linguine. For a change I threw in bacon.(It wasn't too bad) So what, you might say. Well a couple of years ago I would not have attempted any kind of cooking. Why? Because I had learned to be helpless in the kitchen. My concern is that our society is moving in the direction of helplessness in many ways. But a little more about my lesson.

I've had two incredible models for cooking in my life, my mother and my partner. Both of them in their own way can enter a kitchen and come out with some amazing food. The know the difference between turmeric and cumin seed while I just know how to spell the words. They put in a pinch of this and a dab of that. After a life of seeing this I was incredibly intimidated. I thought I'd never be able to cook like them so I didn't cook at all. I had given into learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is when you believe or have been told that someone else can do it better, quicker and more professionally than you. After a while it is easier and less intimidating to just let them do it. And that's just what I did. I didn't even try because I believed it would never be as good.

Recently in our society the temptations to fall into learned helplessness are greater. We have experts in almost everything that we can call on to do the work. We have "super nannies" to tell us how to raise children, we have "super chefs" who make a gourmet meal in 30 minutes and then get "chopped" because they forgot a garnish. We have life coaches and consultants because they supposedly help us make better decisions. Some of them make the decisions for us and we are weaker for it. We have party planners and designers because they have a "better eye" than we do. Really?

Sometimes it is convenient to hire others to do things around the house, or assist us in moving something along. But are we giving our lives away? There is something gratifying about seeing your own handiwork, or making your own decision and living with it. It might not be perfect, but it's yours. When I cook, sometimes I'm not sure what's gonna happen, but it just feels good to do it.

So pick some area you'd like to try. Maybe cooking, writing, wallpapering a room. Yep, educate yourself the best you can, but then be your own coach and walk through it. The feeling of accomplishment is amazing. And bring a sense of humor. Failure is not only an option, but it actually helps because you realize you can fail and the whole world does not fall apart.

Experts are fine and coaches help lots of people. However we have to find a balance where the life we live is ours and not some TV show version. Trying something and working through it creates a wonderful sense of ownership and helps us appreciate that we have the skills to success. (it's called self-efficacy). As for me, right now I'm gonna make breakfast.