Live Life on the Peaks

Happiness is not a subject near and dear to my heart. It's not that I'm against happiness, I tend to be a very happy guy. But happiness is not something I pursue. Anyone who consistently reads my writing know that I believe happiness  is a positive effect of pursuing individual greatness, but not the goal in itself.

However, though I don’t focus on happiness many people think I’m the ultimately happy guy who never looks at the dark side of life. Last week I was talking with a friend and she was opining that “on the journey of life you have to experience both the peaks and the valleys.” I agreed, but countered that “just because I experience the valleys on the journey of life doesn’t mean I have to stop and build my house there.”

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending a positive psychology summit at the University of Pennsylvania. It was attended by some of the smartest and most accomplished people I know. Dr. Ed Deiner spoke about happiness and revealed some studies that if you are super happy, you might not achieve as much as someone else who might be moderately happy. (Of course if you are depressed you might not accomplish much either.) Afterword I tried to pursue the point, but he deftly dodged it. However, his point was made. Some of the most prominent people in history struggled with their dark side and used it as a spring-board to creativity and success. It’s important to note that most of them didn’t wallow in their dark side, but acknowledged it and used it.

In the journey of life all of us experience peaks and valleys. However by living in the valleys we close ourselves off from the good side of life. Yes, it is important to experience the highs and lows, but since we all have a choice, why not build our homes on the highs? We can do that by enjoying the peak moments more, exploring them and learning how we can repeat them and treasuring them each time they occur. Then, with confidence we can experience and even explore the valleys, but in time move out and back up to the peaks. So the question remains, where do you want to build your house?

Don't Fight Busyness, Elevate It.

Recently whenever I ask someone how they are doing I hear variations of “crazy busy,” “so busy I can’t think,” or “I’m slammed.” Frankly I’m tired of hearing it. I just read an HBR blog on this busyness syndrome and how to fight it. Honestly, I don’t want to fight busyness because that’s a losing battle, but I want to change the focus.

Think about it. All of us are busy; busy creating a life, loving others, doing our job, or we are busy living. So what? The first definition of busy I found is “actively or fully engaged or occupied.” Hey wait? That’s the way I want to live my life! I hope I can describe every day that way. But most of us mean the 2^nd and 4^th definitions “overcrowded or cluttered with detail,” “crowded with or characterized by much activity.” But honestly even those don’t sound too bad.

The real challenge is that saying “I’m crazy busy” has become a badge of honor. We brag about how much work we have to do and how there is no time for our lives. Perhaps it makes us feel important. Really? We want to live like this? I don’t.

And more to the point, this busyness syndrome can get in the way of achieving anything. Many people point to their calendars and inboxes to justify how they can’t get another thing done. But I wonder what they are doing. I meet plenty of busy people. A few of them actually accomplish something.

Recently I worked with a multinational corporation that wanted to change the dialogue around performance reviews for their employees. They realized that most employees arrived for their year-end reviews armed with all of the projects they worked on during the year and how hard they worked. This company decided to look at “business impact” instead of activity. Instead of only talking about how many projects, tasks, or meeting occurred, the question became “what was the impact of this work on the business?”  It radically changed the conversation and it changed the mindset.

Think about how we would reset our lives if we looked at impact. If you schedule time with your kids, ask yourself what impact it had on them, or you? It might make you put your smart phone down to have a greater impact. Or that writing project you are working on? Did you spend a couple of hours at your desk, or did you accomplish something, actually get some pages written? What was the impact of the time spent working? We can even use this gauge in a more dramatic fashion and ask the question, what impact has my life made?

We are all busy. It’s called living. But being busy can be a smoke screen full of sound and fury and signifying nothing (with apologies to the Bard). By changing the litmus test of our lives we can move from crowded calendars to meaningful calendars. If we concern ourselves with impact our meetings, dates, even playtimes take on more significance. And finally if we live our lives focused on our impact on others and the impact we leave, we will dramatically change our world. Isn’t that better than just being busy? 

A Room of Genius

Have you ever been in a place where you are overwhelmed by how smart and dedicated all the other people in the room seem? Have you had the joy of being so much in awe of what others are doing for the world that you can’t help asking more and more questions? Have you ever thought at the end of a day that you can’t believe how lucky you are to be among such amazing people? If you have had this experience, you have been in a room of genius.

This summer I attended the Canadian Positive Psychology Association Conference in Ottawa, Canada. Approximately 400 people arrived from across the globe to learn about positive psychology and consider the difference it could make in the world. From education to politics to workplace we learned and debated how happiness, well-being, and even greatness could transform lives. And there was no shortage of amazing people.

To a person the participants engaged in critical dialogue to understand how this science could make the world better for everyone. They were nurses, psychologists, life coaches, consultants and interested individuals. Each of them spoke about how they were trying to bring new messages of positive psychology into their domains. It was powerful and it was intimidating.

A little while after the conference an op ed piece in the NY Times opined about the necessity of having two of more individuals to create genius. Historically, “genius” was believed to be in each of us; it is the god within us as we are born. But the op ed proposed that we need others to challenge our thinking and bring our best to light. After this summer’s conference, I agree. My mind is still whirling with the ideas and suggestions from those few days.

Alone we have our thoughts, but together we have ideas, action and change. We lean on each other and learn from each other. We challenge, cajole, debate, edit, and refine ideas and then we dream, plan and achieve our dreams together.

I was astounded how my thinking was lifted and my ideas were challenges… and it felt good. Who is in your room of genius?

Let's Get Rid of Work/Life Balance

Have you ever tried to balance water in one hand and a fish in the other and make it work? Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? That’s the same craziness as saying we need work/life balance. One really can’t exist without the other and they are intimately connected. I’ve written about work/life balance before, but we need a different way to think about our lives; one that makes sense for an integrated life.

What’s wrong with the whole concept of work/life balance? It is an incorrect dichotomy. Work is an integral part of life and cannot be separated from it. Work, when seen as a vocation, gives purpose to life and provides meaning. We don’t get meaning from lounging in a beach chair sipping a margarita (as nice as that sounds). But we do get meaning from adding to the greater measure of humanity by providing service, information, art or material goods.   

At the same time we also need moments of pleasure, when we revel in the work we’ve done, meet friends, celebrate our accomplishments and free our mind of work. We take time to enjoy physical pursuits, outlets which allow us to stretch our limbs and allow the sweat to cleanse and renew us.

Yet both the work and the play have their limits. If we over indulge in either of them, we know it. If we continue over-indulging too long, we burnout or crash. This is why we need a new concept of balance to understand how we get the most out of life.

The ultimate balance is between intensity and rest. Whether pursuing work or play, we know that balancing the intensity of focused attention to a goal necessitates we provide ourselves with rest to continue later with the same intensity. This is the balance many of us lack.

Our lives are consumed by the siren song of technology that calls us to continuously check our messages long past the time when anyone should be reasonably sending us any. But we create our own vicious circle by replying and causing the other to continue the communication. There is no rest, there is no downtime.

Somehow believing we are getting away by pursuing pleasure or physical activity, we push ourselves at the gym, or meeting others without a moments rest and then we check back in whenever we can. What is wrong with us?

Balancing intensity with rest is of tantamount importance to great individuals from professional athletes to CEOs of major companies, but it also applies to all of us. How long can we pursue this intensity? Our abilities peak for about 90 minutes. Then we need to step away and give ourselves an opportunity to regroup.  Studies show that when individuals or companies create a “90 minute intensity – 10 minute resting activity” throughout a day productivity climbs and more is accomplished in less time. Try it. You will find yourself more productive.

Yet, even without using the 90/10 equation we need to think about our intensity vs rest ratio whether we are working or playing. We will find ourselves focused more when doing whatever task we choose and enjoying the rest more.

So, let’s get the concept of work/life balance out of our heads. That’s over-used, incorrect and even dangerous thinking. We need to balance intensity, whether it’s at work or at play, with time for rest. Disciplining ourselves to focus intently and then step away allows us to both recover and pursue our passions whatever they may be. So, how is your intensity/rest balance?

Living a Life of S(s)ignificance

Over the weekend I heard of two college commencements both of which exhorted students to "live a life of significance." How that was expounded on I really don't know, but the phrase stuck in my head. So since we are exhorting our young people to live this way, the question rebounds in our direction, are you and I living a life of significance?

If you are like me, the first question that arises is what is meant by a life of significance? Though there is a book by this title, I didn't find it really enlightened me. A life of significance could be a life of fame, or notoriety, or stature, but I was pretty sure that's not how they meant it in the commencement addresses. So, I thought I'd look it up.

The definition of significance is about "having meaning, importance." Initially I thought about the majority of people who attend my workshops on personal greatness who have not specifically thought about meaning. But the more I think about it, I've realized (once again) that I am wrong. All of us have significance in one another's lives. Since we live in a world where we interact with each other (a "hive") we impact each other every day and foster or degrade individuals along the way.

I have encountered many people in my journeys about the globe who in a smile, a gesture, a comment, or an action assure me that I am a fellow human being deserving of respect and care. I've also encountered other people who treat me as refuse and toss aside me and anyone else who gets in their way to achieve or own something. Both examples have significance in our lives, just by the way that they live. This is significance with a small "s." I happens everyday whether we think about it or not.

Additionally I believe there is significance with a capital "S." There are individuals who think carefully about their footprint on this planet and how they want to touch the lives of their fellow human beings. Some choose to live significantly though parenting, some though their work, others through their attitude. But they are conscious about their Significance. I find these people to be powerful examples of lives lived fully with passion and vigor.

So, either way we live, mindfully or on autopilot, we have meaning in the lives of others. However the choice is ours as to what our S(s)ignificance is. What will yours be?

Greatess Is Not a Zero Sum Game

 

Many years ago I walked into my cousin's bedroom and saw a new trophy on his bookcase. "What did you win?" I inquired. "Nothing," he said. "That was just for being a part of the team." I never forgot that moment and ranted for years against this way of rewarding kids and adults, but now, I think I'm wrong.

Yesterday I read an article in the New York Times where Alfie Kohn opined against my old way of thinking. He noted that many adults believe that giving kids trophies for showing up would make them soft, deprive them of grit and make them lazy. Our mindset was that in order to teach kids resilience, you have to make life tough. Some of us think that kids who receive praise for everything will never make it in the “real” world. Why not? Because we want them to go through the same suffering we had to?
Life is suffering. That’s not just a Buddhist concept, but a simple awareness that in order for life to be lived, we have to struggle and work. Kids realize this as well as we do. They know very well that they did not come in first place in a race even if we give them a medal. But what the medal does communicate is that they are valuable just for trying.
Of course I’m not saying to just give people everything. But to deprive both adults and children of praise just because we believe it will make them soft is stupid. 60 percent of American workers would like to have some recognition of the work they’ve done. It won’t make them soft, but it might make them realize how valuable they are and that they can have pride in their work. But when I speak to managers about why they won’t give more praise, they say “then they’d expect it.” Yes, imagine that. Expecting thanks for a job well done. (And this applies just as much at home as it does in the workplace.)
This notion of rewarding only the very best has made its way into corporations in very insidious ways. Most corporations have ranking systems and bell curves so that some employees are on top, some in the middle and others at the bottom regardless of how they performed. Managers are forced to fill all three buckets. This is ridiculous. If the hiring managers do their job, they are bringing on people who are talented and motivated to do their best. So why can’t everybody be great?
Currently I’m working with a major international firm that has done away with ranking and calibration. Employees are only evaluated on the work they do and how it helps the business and each other. In this scenario you could have a large number of employees receiving top rewards. Why not? Greatness is not a zero sum game. I am not diminished if you are great.
What finally clicked and turned my thinking around was imagining the environment created by never telling adults or children what they’ve done right or by ranking them against each other so there is only one winner. Any student who has taken Psychology 101 knows that the human response to a threat is fight, flight, or freeze. You don’t learn that way. But by creating an environment where everyone can win, in their own way, you create an environment where, as researcher Barbara Fredrickson describes it, individuals can broaden their capacity to learn and build on their skills. It’s an environment where everyone can be great, and that is not a zero sum game.

Time for the "Slow Connection" Movement

Recently I purchased a new phone. Well, I really didn’t buy it. With the upgrade I had coming, the discounts at the store and a special sale I got it free for a renewed contract. Weird huh? Then, since I switched my brand of phone, I spent the better part of a week uploading apps and syncing my new phone to all the devices in my house, car and office. After that I continued focusing on the phone tweaking the ringtones (James Bond), culling the contacts and finding more apps. And when I finally looked up from the phone I realized I lost more than a week of connecting with friends and family. Sad to say that I’m not the only one caught up in the digital world. That has to stop. The challenge is we live in a world that loves their phones and computers and that hurts all of us.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a Luddite by any stretch of the imagination. I have a Mac Book Pro, VAIO PC, Microsoft Surface and Nokia smart phone. I run my business digitally from any where at any time. And now I’m realizing the problem that can be. My research and life work is about bringing out the best in people. But when I am so focused on my phone or gadgets I forget the people around me and think that the world resides in my hands or at my finger tips. It doesn’t. There is nothing like a real connection to another human being.

Sadly we are a society moving in the direction of disconnection. Though we have a greater ability to reach out and touch someone, we do it more and more electronically with short messages and emoticons. These don’t create real human connection. Studies indicate that the more time we spend on electronic devices, no matter our age, the more our ability to read non-verbal communication weakens. We gradually lose the capability to discern facial expressions and body language. That’s scary.

A few years ago in Italy the “slow food” movement was begun. It was an attempt to regain the art and magic of dining by actually preparing food and taking time to enjoy it with others. It was begun in direct opposition to the “fast food” mentality. So I propose that we start a “slow connection” movement. This movement would emphasize taking time to be with our children, talk to our spouses, have dinner conversations that lingered, listen to the stories of our wise seniors and to linger over the nuances in our loved one’s reply, or watch the wonder on our child’s face as they experience something for the first time.


We live in a generation that could be the first to be utterly disconnected from those around us even though we share the same space. There is a place for electronics and digital connectivity, but its importance pales in comparison with face to face time with other people. Take time for a “slow connection.” Call up the person you’ve been meaning to speak with and arrange a lunch, a walk or a date. And remember when you are with them… turn off your phone.