Comparisons Are Odious

I'm a competitor. There, it's out. Not that this is any surprise for any of my friends and acquaintances. Though I've tried to tame my competitive spirit over the years, I've not succeeded. Essentially I've stopped talking about it and tried to hide my feelings. But seriously, for those of us who are competitive, it's tough to shake. My competitive self comes alive in everything from cards, to sports, writing, speaking, business - you name it, and I'll compete in it. The upside is that competition has made me better in many areas and so it can be a useful tool in striving for personal greatness. The downside is that competition is based on comparisons and as Barry Schwartz puts it so well "comparisons are odious."

Competition drives us to be better in the things we attempt to do. When we examine our role models in the various dimensions where we want to succeed, we raise our sights on what we believe we are capable of doing. We broaden our concepts of how we will attempt to succeed in our endeavors and hopefully learn from our role models what other aspects of our discipline we wish to develop. So competition can have an upside.

Yet the cost of competition, especially the constant comparison to others, comes at a hefty price. If our comparisons always find us lacking in some capacity, eventually that will impact our self-image, our happiness and ultimately our well-being. The poem/prayer Desiderata offered "If you compare yourself to others you may become vain or bitter, for always there are greater and lesser persons than yourself." The phrase "keeping up with the Joneses" encapsulates the idea of comparison with our neighbors, but with TV and the internet we have the opportunity of comparing ourselves constantly against a much higher bar and it can leave us feeling drained and worn out.

Once again, balance is key. Utilizing our skills and abilities to their maximum is shown to increase experiences of "flow" and a growth in self-esteem. When we push ourselves to attain the next level in whatever our discipline, we can enjoy more positive emotions and a higher level of happiness. The discipline is to compete with ourselves after examining what others are doing. We can learn from them what might be the next level in our discipline, but then we have to create our own goals, so that we are not comparing ourselves to them, but to what we believe we can achieve.

Competition can be a tool, if used well, in moving toward our personal greatness. When balanced it will push us toward the best we can be, but in a competition against ourselves.

Dream Big and Lower Your Expectations

"What do you do when you have no dreams?" That question arose in the middle of a dialogue about greatness during a recent leadership session in New York City. Probing deeper I discovered that this manager and others believed they hadn't quite found their personal greatness because they thought that once they did find it, they would be happy and their life complete. Since all of them struggled in some way they figured it was because they had not found their true greatness.

Myriad books, TV shows, magazines and speakers regale us with stories of individuals who have given up everything to follow their passion and now are completely happy. They foist the idea that if we choose correctly in our life, work, relationships, food, etc. we too can be completely happy. That is not true; we are human and this is earth, not heaven.

The pursuit of personal greatness, while fulfilling, is work. Long days and nights are required and there are intense times of struggle. Though the pursuit is for something you love, it is still work. The challenge is that we have developed expectations (because of media hype) that we can choose correctly and be happy.

So last week I contacted Dr. Barry Schwartz author of "The Paradox of Choice." He reminded me of two key findings in his research. The first is that in America today we have tremendous choice of who we can be, what we can do and what we can buy. However contrary to making us happier, we are paralyzed by too many choices. Second he found that because we have so much choice, we have the expectation that the "right" choice will make us happy and be perfect. Our expectations far outweigh the reality. His suggestion is that we have to narrow our number of choices and lower our expectations.

In our study, individuals who achieve personal greatness still dream big, but they focus their attention on one or two areas; they don't try to achieve greatness in everything. Also, they hold a realistic outlook knowing that personal greatness is hard work and something that has to be worked at everyday. People often ask me if I'm disappointed when I don't achieve a goal I'm shooting for, but I find that I love shooting for the stars because at least that way I get off the ground.

So, dream big, but lower your expectations. You will find that pursuing your personal greatness is still a struggle, but you will enjoy it more.