Time for the "Slow Connection" Movement

Recently I purchased a new phone. Well, I really didn’t buy it. With the upgrade I had coming, the discounts at the store and a special sale I got it free for a renewed contract. Weird huh? Then, since I switched my brand of phone, I spent the better part of a week uploading apps and syncing my new phone to all the devices in my house, car and office. After that I continued focusing on the phone tweaking the ringtones (James Bond), culling the contacts and finding more apps. And when I finally looked up from the phone I realized I lost more than a week of connecting with friends and family. Sad to say that I’m not the only one caught up in the digital world. That has to stop. The challenge is we live in a world that loves their phones and computers and that hurts all of us.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a Luddite by any stretch of the imagination. I have a Mac Book Pro, VAIO PC, Microsoft Surface and Nokia smart phone. I run my business digitally from any where at any time. And now I’m realizing the problem that can be. My research and life work is about bringing out the best in people. But when I am so focused on my phone or gadgets I forget the people around me and think that the world resides in my hands or at my finger tips. It doesn’t. There is nothing like a real connection to another human being.

Sadly we are a society moving in the direction of disconnection. Though we have a greater ability to reach out and touch someone, we do it more and more electronically with short messages and emoticons. These don’t create real human connection. Studies indicate that the more time we spend on electronic devices, no matter our age, the more our ability to read non-verbal communication weakens. We gradually lose the capability to discern facial expressions and body language. That’s scary.

A few years ago in Italy the “slow food” movement was begun. It was an attempt to regain the art and magic of dining by actually preparing food and taking time to enjoy it with others. It was begun in direct opposition to the “fast food” mentality. So I propose that we start a “slow connection” movement. This movement would emphasize taking time to be with our children, talk to our spouses, have dinner conversations that lingered, listen to the stories of our wise seniors and to linger over the nuances in our loved one’s reply, or watch the wonder on our child’s face as they experience something for the first time.


We live in a generation that could be the first to be utterly disconnected from those around us even though we share the same space. There is a place for electronics and digital connectivity, but its importance pales in comparison with face to face time with other people. Take time for a “slow connection.” Call up the person you’ve been meaning to speak with and arrange a lunch, a walk or a date. And remember when you are with them… turn off your phone.

Answer Your Cell Phone - Or Not

My cell phone rang the other day while I was in conversation with a friend. When I didn't reach for my phone he asked "aren't you going to answer that?" Not even glancing at the screen, I silenced the ring (though I thought I'd done that before we sat down) and I continued the conversation. He was visibly upset and distracted and finally we talked about it. He told me that it would have been okay if I answered the call because everybody does it. He was used to people answering texts, emails or calls in the middle of conversations and admitted that he did it too.

What struck me about the encounter was not the proper etiquette of conversation and cell phone use (about which I have strong opinions) but of the counterbalance of living in a culture while being free to make our own decisions. Society creates cultural norms of what is and is not acceptable behavior, dress, and speech and each generation pushes the boundary in their own way, while the other generations wring their hands at the decline of civilization evidenced by this bad behavior.

Yet all hand-wringing aside, we a choice. We can go along with the cultural norms or not. Currently some of our norms include our availability (because of technology) 24/7 to all of our friends and family. Some people expand that availability to their boss and co-workers. Have you even had it happen that someone sends you an email and when you don't respond they follow up with a text and then a call wondering if you are okay because you didn't immediately respond? I continue to have the experience of calling people only to have them say "can I call you back, I'm in a meeting?" Why did they pick up in the first place?

Cultural norms are not laws. They are common understandings between people. Currently the prevailing understanding is that we have to immediately respond to those who contact us. This immediacy continues whether we are at work, on vacation, or just trying to relax. People constantly tell me how much this demand for immediate response annoys them, yet they continue to indulge those who contact them. We have a choice.

Living in a society does not mean we have to go along with every fad, or even what the society decides is "normal" behavior (as long as we do what is legal). We can choose not to jump to answer every electronic message that comes our way and our friends and family will learn about our behavior and eventually have to respect it (probably not without some push-back). We can decide that weekends are ours and we will not answer emails from work. You might be thinking "not in my work." I guess I would say that from my experience, bosses can be trained, (so can co-workers) and if you are performing well, they will get used to it.

Choosing to push back against norms or fads is not easy. People will judge us as "old fashioned" and "out of touch." Yet, I'd rather determine my own actions rather than move toward every new way of doing things. It is the difference of swimming with purpose rather than being taken wherever the tides wills it. So if you call my cell phone and I don't answer. Don't worry, I'll get back to you eventually.