Time for the "Slow Connection" Movement

Recently I purchased a new phone. Well, I really didn’t buy it. With the upgrade I had coming, the discounts at the store and a special sale I got it free for a renewed contract. Weird huh? Then, since I switched my brand of phone, I spent the better part of a week uploading apps and syncing my new phone to all the devices in my house, car and office. After that I continued focusing on the phone tweaking the ringtones (James Bond), culling the contacts and finding more apps. And when I finally looked up from the phone I realized I lost more than a week of connecting with friends and family. Sad to say that I’m not the only one caught up in the digital world. That has to stop. The challenge is we live in a world that loves their phones and computers and that hurts all of us.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a Luddite by any stretch of the imagination. I have a Mac Book Pro, VAIO PC, Microsoft Surface and Nokia smart phone. I run my business digitally from any where at any time. And now I’m realizing the problem that can be. My research and life work is about bringing out the best in people. But when I am so focused on my phone or gadgets I forget the people around me and think that the world resides in my hands or at my finger tips. It doesn’t. There is nothing like a real connection to another human being.

Sadly we are a society moving in the direction of disconnection. Though we have a greater ability to reach out and touch someone, we do it more and more electronically with short messages and emoticons. These don’t create real human connection. Studies indicate that the more time we spend on electronic devices, no matter our age, the more our ability to read non-verbal communication weakens. We gradually lose the capability to discern facial expressions and body language. That’s scary.

A few years ago in Italy the “slow food” movement was begun. It was an attempt to regain the art and magic of dining by actually preparing food and taking time to enjoy it with others. It was begun in direct opposition to the “fast food” mentality. So I propose that we start a “slow connection” movement. This movement would emphasize taking time to be with our children, talk to our spouses, have dinner conversations that lingered, listen to the stories of our wise seniors and to linger over the nuances in our loved one’s reply, or watch the wonder on our child’s face as they experience something for the first time.


We live in a generation that could be the first to be utterly disconnected from those around us even though we share the same space. There is a place for electronics and digital connectivity, but its importance pales in comparison with face to face time with other people. Take time for a “slow connection.” Call up the person you’ve been meaning to speak with and arrange a lunch, a walk or a date. And remember when you are with them… turn off your phone.

Positiveness Needs a Warning Label

This past Friday I was speaking to a room of approximately 70 financial service professionals about achieving their personal greatness. I told them that the workshop should have a warning label posted on it. I cautioned that if they were more positive, energetic and passionate about their work and life, some people would not like them. Some were surprised at my warning, but most of them agreed. We live in a society that speaks about positiveness, energy and passion quite a bit, but people who have those characteristics often don't seem normal to others.

I have been told in the past that I was "out of touch," "not real," and "too positive." My first reaction to these statements was just to ignore them and dismiss the speakers as negative. However when I heard those comments from different people at different times I started to listen. What I realized was they were telling me how I was being perceived.

People saw me as a high energy, always positive and upbeat person who (they thought) couldn't see the challenges and difficulties of life and work. They experienced me as moving through life in this positive bubble while others struggled, got depressed and became angry. What they never saw or heard was my experience of the negative emotions of life.

There was a brief period that I forced myself to be less positive, less upbeat, less optimistic. I wanted people to see me as "real." But I wasn't being real to myself and I wasn't being fair to others because I was fake.

I've finally learned that I have to meet people where they are. No, that doesn't mean that I will get negative and depressed. It does mean that I have to listen and communicate that I understand their emotions rather than responding with positive affirmations and cheery outlooks.

The most difficult part for me is not trying to "fix" the person or the problem. I want to help everyone feel better about themselves and their lives and I'm finally learning that some people need to stay with negative feelings for a while before they can move on. I can't judge that, I just accept them as they are.

I'm still working on this, but I'm learning to listen carefully to people's challenges and emotions. Now I communicate what I'm hearing from them and empathize with what they say. If they want help, I will try to help them, but if they want to stay in that emotional space for a while I will let them. But when I walk away, I am as positive and upbeat as ever. I don't need to take on their emotion and negativity.

Being positive, energetic and optimistic is wonderful. But it can drive others crazy. When you encounter negativity or challenging emotions from others, listen carefully, respond with compassion and help them only if they ask for help. Meet them at their emotional level. This helps others know you are real. Later you can be your positive, energetic self. Just realize that even if you follow this strategy, there will still be people who will not think you are in touch with reality and that's why positiveness needs a warning label.

Why Can't You Read My Mind?

Why can’t people read my mind or hear what I’m thinking? My thoughts are loud enough for me to hear very clearly. They should know when I’m upset, or needy without me having to go through the trouble of telling them. Actually the worst part is how the drivers in New Jersey ignore what I’m thinking. They should know enough to get out of my way and stop dawdling in the left lane. What’s this world coming to when everyone is ignoring what I’m thinking? 

Ever have those thoughts? No? Well, maybe you haven’t phrased them in this way, but many of us forget that people can’t read our minds and it leads to frustration, disempowerment and sometimes anger. We all need to learn the art of speaking; knowing when to speak our mind and when to keep our thoughts to ourselves. 

I initially became aware of this trend (to believe that people could read my mind) when I found myself frustrated with a good friend. He knew I had a bad day and he listened to my complaints… but not enough. I wanted to complain a bit more and he moved on to other things. I was hurt, insulted and I started getting angry. “He should know what I want” I thought to myself. And then it hit me. He is a great friend, but he’s no mind reader. And I can’t expect him to be one.

To often we expect our friends, lovers, family and even co-workers to know what we are thinking and to act accordingly. We somehow believe there is no need to express what we want because the other person should know it. Besides, it’s humbling to express what we need to someone else. So we create ways of asking without words. We cuddle up to lovers in a “certain” way. We offer friends something knowing it will be reciprocated. We suggest broadly at work “why don’t we all do…” when it’s what we really want. 

I’m no psychologist, but asking for what we want sounds grown up. It also seems pushy for some of us. Yet, I know it’s easy for me to ask for free room upgrades at hotels, or a larger rental car without the premium, but it’s much more difficult to ask for time from a friend. Perhaps I don’t want to admit my need, so it’s easier to blame it on their lack of awareness. Who am I kidding? 

People who have created balance in their lives willingly ask for help when they need it. They are able to find the place of vulnerability that comes from asking and not let it bother them. They also seem to know the balance between asking for real help and just being a pain. And when they are asked for their opinion, they give it. Have you ever stood in a circle with friends paralyzed by the question “what do you want to do?” No one can read your mind. If you want something you’ve got to say it. 

Conversely there are others who overplay this strength. They ask for everything, are never hesitant about giving their  opinion of what they want to do and rarely ask others what they think or want. I find them overbearing, arrogant and selfish. And at times I’m jealous of them. Well, not jealous of them, but their ability to ask for what they want. But they do take it too far. 

The successful individuals I’ve met have a balance of individualism and collectivism. They are willing to ask for what they need and give their opinion when asked. However they are also generous to discover what others think and need. There is no pretense of mind reading here. This is the best balance of communication. There are no assumptions here of what someone wants, or that they know what I want. These individuals role model the best communication: actively soliciting what others think and actively contributing their thoughts. 

Now I just have to figure out how to actively communicate what I’m thinking to the slow poke driving in the left lane so he doesn’t have to read my mind. 

Use Your Power For Good

“If you can’t say something good, don’t say anything at all.” How many of us grew up hearing this dictum? It contains an important reminder that one of the most powerful abilities we have is our ability to communicate. With this ability we can lift people up, or keep them down; we can begin a movement, or crush a reputation; we can even encourage ourselves, or determine our own defeat. And with the ability to transmit our message to everyone on the internet, it becomes even more essential to mind what we communicate. The old rule of thumb was that if you had a bad experience you told approximately 12 people. A relatively conservative estimate states that now when we lodge a complaint on the internet, we communicate it to at least 4,000 people. So it is essential we use this power of communication for good, not for evil.

I was reminded of the power of communication last week when I was at a small Italian restaurant in Stamford, Connecticut. Immediately after being seated I realized that directly to my right, at a table with some friends, sat Frank and Kathy Lee Gifford. Not being a celebrity hound I just set out to enjoy my meal and allow them to enjoy theirs. However, because of the proximity of the tables I realized that whether I liked it or not, I could hear every bit of their conversation. This is when I was reminded of the power of communication. They didn’t know who I was. It would have been easy for me to record their personal quotes about religion, politics and family stories and place them on the internet for everyone to read. Not that they said anything wrong, but any quote can be taken out of context. There are individuals who live off of their proximity to the rich and famous, and those who live off mud-slinging. This does not lead anyone to personal fulfillment or greatness, but only to anger or personal embarrassment. It is a misuse of the power of communication.

The words we use or write about others, and even the words we speak to ourselves have the power to lift up, encourage and allow ourselves and others to achieve our own personal greatness. We have a power that creates profound change in people’s lives and can elevate even people who have never heard something positive about themselves. That power has been magnified by the internet.

From the time we were little children, many of us read stories or watched movies about heroes with super powers or abilities. Yet, we all have an amazing power to heal and lift up others. And similar to many super heroes there is a dark side to our power of communication; we can also destroy lives. So, to all of you super heroes out there, please use your power for good, to lift up others and help them to achieve their potential.

Oh, and as for Frank and Kathy Lee, they are really nice people.

Nothing But The Radio On

Our radio host, Joe Fermano, on WNJC 1360 AM, was so excited we could hear him coming out of his chair. His interview about our book, Pathways to Greatness, was scheduled to run 30 minutes with one intermission for commercial break. He skipped the commercial break and went straight through until the music cut him off at the end of the show. "You have to come back, you have to come back" he insisted. Joe raved about the book, even on his YouTube video called "I am the greatest." Clearly he was excited to talk about greatness.

In Australia a friend listened in to the radio show online (technology is amazing) and IMd me afterward on Facebook. He loved the interview and thought it went really well, but he encouraged us to "get the message out about greatness." "We need to hear this, especially right now."

This morning, an entrepreneur friend heard about the radio show and sat me down to ask about it. After I filled in the details he said, "helping us all focus on greatness and how to achieve it is just what we need right now. How can you get this message out there?"

My question also. Every time we speak about greatness, people read our book or respond to this blog it creates excitement and energy. Just the opposite of what is currently happening. So how do we spread the research about greatness? How do we involve others in creating a movement to focus on greatness even in difficult times? A small AM radio station was a start, but where can it end?