There is No Such Thing as Free Choice

For years I've defended the notion that we have free choice at every moment in all of the decisions that we make. Just this past week, I facilitated a workshop on "Achieving Personal Greatness" and I convinced the 30 professionals in the room of the free choice they always have. Now I realize I'm wrong. However, knowing that we have no free choice makes a huge difference if we are to succeed at almost anything.

For example, a minute after I started writing this blog I realized that today is recycling day. So, let me ask you, do I have a free choice as to whether I take out the recycling or not? The answer is no, my choice is not free. Every choice comes at a cost and when we understand the cost and the benefits that is when we truly have full control of our lives.

To use my example, the recycling has piled up in my basement since Christmas and is impeding clear access to the basement door. The recycling truck sometimes comes very early in my neighborhood. However it is raining right now and I'm comfortable in my room. Other factors include the societal imperative to recycle to save the environment. Also I have my personal standards of efficiency and order. On the other hand, I'm not dressed yet and I'm comfortable at my desk. However, you might still be thinking I'm free to make a choice. No, I'm not. I have to pay a price for that choice and therein lies my power.

If I choose to stay at my desk, I pay the cost of an impassable basement for at least another week. If I choose to take out the recycling I pay the cost of an uninterrupted morning at my writing desk. On the other side of the decision if I take out the recycling I gain peace of mind and my basement back again. If I stay at my desk I gain a finished blog and some personal journal time. Hence, there are costs to every decision and benefits to every decision, they are not free.

Why does this matter? When we make any decision, but especially life decisions we can often feel we are not "free" to make the decision because of society, family, previous commitments or peer pressure. Many times people say to me "I can't pursue my goal because of ..."  Essentially we end up blaming someone or something else as to why we can't or won't do something. That's where we err.

When we blame someone or something for why we can't do something we give up the most powerful ability we have as rational human beings: our power of choice. The choice might not be fair, or balanced; the pressure on us might be extreme to choose one way or another, but we always have a choice in everything we do. It is just that the choice will not be free. We have to decide if it is worth the cost.

But that is what is so freeing and so frightening. Once we realize the cost of choice and that we have ultimate control then we are totally responsible for our life. That is immensely empowering.

So, the next time you have to make a decision, think carefully about it. What is the cost you pay for your choice? What are you letting go, or putting aside; what value are you upholding against another? And, of course, what is the benefit you are gaining and how does it stack up against the cost? Knowing that your life is directed by you is an amazing and scary thing.  But at least you know your life is yours because of your choices.

As for the recycling, I took it out.

Set Your Parents Free

I just returned from visiting my parents for a few days. No, it was not painful. I'm one of those people who happen to love his parents. But I was very conscious on this visit of how much blame is placed on parents for the way their children turn out. Whether the children are spoiled, disciplined, coddled, or potty trained early it seems to provide so many people with the reasons they cannot excel. Well, whether your parents were perfect or not, it's time to set them free.

Just before my trip I stumbled on brand new research about the father's role in the development of his children. Though this research still has to be replicated, scientists believe that the experiences of the father somehow are genetically transmitted to their children. If the father had to struggle and work hard to succeed there is some sort of genetic transmission through their sperm that creates a greater likelihood their children will be willing to struggle more. They tested this theory on mice and found that even when they never allowed the father near the children, if the father had been courageous and fearless, so were the children. If the father had experienced failure and rejection and then withdrew, the children were more hesitant.

Seem like we have more to blame our parents for? No. Of course I could wax poetic about freedom of choice and how we have to become "real" adults by creating our own future. But I'm not going there, this time. What is more astounding is the strong research that people who have difficult childhoods often outperform their peers in a number of areas. Yes, because of the struggles they had when they were young, they tend to have higher courage and grit. They just don't quit.

One study of professional footballers in Australia found one common theme among all of the top players. They all had struggled or suffered through something as children and it drove them to be the best. Similarly there are other studies that show the same factors of early childhood struggle drive the best singers, actors and scientists. (There is part of me that worries I might have had it too good).

So whether our parents were amazing at encouraging us, or they were distant, we get to choose what we will do with that material. Yes, our parents are our foundation, but once the foundation is laid, it's up to us to architect the masterpiece that will go on top of it.

Years ago I tried something. I told my parents I loved them and I loved how they raised me and now it was my turn. They tried to object that they could have done better (I don't see how) but I wouldn't hear it. I told them they were free. I wasn't holding anything against them and now I would build on what they gave me. It was one of the most freeing things I've ever done both for my parents and me. Try it, and your parents will love you for it and you will feel the full power and responsibility of creating your own personal greatness.