Set Your Parents Free

I just returned from visiting my parents for a few days. No, it was not painful. I'm one of those people who happen to love his parents. But I was very conscious on this visit of how much blame is placed on parents for the way their children turn out. Whether the children are spoiled, disciplined, coddled, or potty trained early it seems to provide so many people with the reasons they cannot excel. Well, whether your parents were perfect or not, it's time to set them free.

Just before my trip I stumbled on brand new research about the father's role in the development of his children. Though this research still has to be replicated, scientists believe that the experiences of the father somehow are genetically transmitted to their children. If the father had to struggle and work hard to succeed there is some sort of genetic transmission through their sperm that creates a greater likelihood their children will be willing to struggle more. They tested this theory on mice and found that even when they never allowed the father near the children, if the father had been courageous and fearless, so were the children. If the father had experienced failure and rejection and then withdrew, the children were more hesitant.

Seem like we have more to blame our parents for? No. Of course I could wax poetic about freedom of choice and how we have to become "real" adults by creating our own future. But I'm not going there, this time. What is more astounding is the strong research that people who have difficult childhoods often outperform their peers in a number of areas. Yes, because of the struggles they had when they were young, they tend to have higher courage and grit. They just don't quit.

One study of professional footballers in Australia found one common theme among all of the top players. They all had struggled or suffered through something as children and it drove them to be the best. Similarly there are other studies that show the same factors of early childhood struggle drive the best singers, actors and scientists. (There is part of me that worries I might have had it too good).

So whether our parents were amazing at encouraging us, or they were distant, we get to choose what we will do with that material. Yes, our parents are our foundation, but once the foundation is laid, it's up to us to architect the masterpiece that will go on top of it.

Years ago I tried something. I told my parents I loved them and I loved how they raised me and now it was my turn. They tried to object that they could have done better (I don't see how) but I wouldn't hear it. I told them they were free. I wasn't holding anything against them and now I would build on what they gave me. It was one of the most freeing things I've ever done both for my parents and me. Try it, and your parents will love you for it and you will feel the full power and responsibility of creating your own personal greatness.