Death Be Not Proud: Our Life Legacy - In Memory of Chris Peterson

Chris Peterson died yesterday. For those who did not know him, he was a brilliant scientist, a very humble man, and someone who changed the world around him. Those of us who knew him could not leave his presence and be unchanged. Learning of his death this morning saddened me. Yet I cannot claim any special relationship to Chris. I was one of his many students. But he had an amazing ability to make any of us feel incredibly special and unique when we were in his presence.

Over the years, in front of many audiences, I've challenged people to examine their lives and wonder what legacy they will leave. So many of us (myself included) think about the things we've done, the work we've created, or the achievements we've accomplished. In the end, that's not the legacy we leave, not really.

We change people by how we make them feel about themselves and Chris did this in a big way (it helped that he was a big man with a big heart). The memory I will always treasure about Chris happened at the First World Congress of Positive Psychology. It was early afternoon on the second day of the Congress and I was giving my brain a break from all that I was learning when I spotted Chris in the lobby sitting by himself. I walked over just to say "hi" and then move on so I wouldn't disturb him. He greeted me by name (I was stunned he remembered my name) and invited me to sit down. For the next two hours we talked about positive psychology, his work and what was next. Yet what I remember most was his interest in my work; the focus on greatness and bringing positive psychology into the corporate world. He made me feel like an equal (which I clearly am not) but listened respectfully to what I had to say and liked some of the ideas. It was an amazing moment for me.

At that moment it was not his degrees, nor all the articles and books he had written, nor all the classes he had taught that made him great. What Chris did so well was transform other people because, to quote his words "Other people matter" and he lived that motto with every fiber of his his being. That is the legacy I think of when I remember Chris. And it challenges me to wonder about my own.

So death be not proud, though you've taken someone renowned in his field, a leader of science. Sadly death you've taken someone who left a legacy of tenderness, humor, compassion, humanity, and yes I will say it greatness.

In the end, Chris, you are and always will be a great teacher. Thank you.

I've attached a link to Chris' last blog post in Psychology Today for those who would like to read it.  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-good-life/201210/awesome-e-pluribus-unum

When Was Your Last Near-Life Experience?

Have you ever had those moments when in the midst of an average day the world comes alive? It is like waking up and really seeing life for the first time. Colors pop, sounds draw you in, texture caresses you and the inciting smell of a newly awakened world seduces you. At that moment, you wonder how you missed it all. How the wonder and the beauty escaped you. And usually you vow that you will see the world differently from that point on, but it doesn't always happen that way. You've just had a near-life experience.

All of us know about near-death experiences when the casual shift of the universe sends a truck down the wrong street, a heart valve mistimes, or you have an unfortunate misdirection into the wrong place at the wrong time. These experiences shock our system because we are genetically programmed to believe in life and incorrectly seduced in believing in the longevity of our own life. No one seeks a near-death experience, but people come away from them determined  to live life better, fuller, and more passionately than before. Sadly we seem to learn more from our fear of death than our joy of life.

From the moment of our birth we are aware of the wonder of the world. Watch infants and little children. When we were very young everything was new to us. We opened our eyes and tried to take it all in. We wanted to taste, touch, smell and digest it all, even if we didn't like it. We were fully alive and experiencing every moment. But as we grow, we adapt to our surroundings. We become used to our world and take it for granted. Those things that use to give us wonder no longer do. In essence, we stop living.

Adaptation is necessary to regulate our day. If we had to relearn everything every morning nothing would get done. Even as I type I'm aware that I don't have to think about where my fingers are, they just find the right keys (most of the time). But we also become inured to the beauty around us, to the incredible amount of sensory stimuli that awaits us every time we sit down to a meal, or even drive a car. After a while, we run on auto-pilot.

That's why it's important to seek out near-life experiences. Near-life experiences are those moments of awe and transcendence that awaken us to the life and loves that surround us. It's like coming out of sleep. We see the world around us for all that it offers. The reason I call them near-life is that very few of us will get to the point of total consciousness when we would be aware of every second of every day. But we can seek to place as many of these in our day as possible.

Start with a something simple. This morning I tasted my first cup of coffee. Seriously. Usually I slam my first cup down and wait for the caffeine to hit. But this morning I really tasted it as I listened in wonder to the chirping of the baby birds in the gutter of my house (I'll fix that after the bird family moves out). All it took was for me to be aware of the moment; of my senses and my sense of wonder.

Moments like this, scattered throughout the day bring us to life. We can enjoy the banter of colleagues as we become aware of our common human bonds. We can transform our brief lunch moment when we linger long enough to taste the sandwich. We might even enhance our commute by realizing the beauty of the sky. Near-life experiences, linked together, help us come alive again.

What are some of your favorite near-life experiences?

Life is a Contact Sport

In our leadership session today someone quoted Marshall Goldsmith that “leadership is a contact sport.” The quote struck me as being applicable not only to leadership, but especially to life. Life is a contact sport. Who we connect with, how we connect and the depth of our contacts can greatly influence our well-being. Yet sadly, more of us are alone now than ever before.

Have you ever stood in a crowded room and felt very alone? When was the last time you were in a big city with people rushing around and you longed for a small room with a few friends or a loved one? Have you recently had the experience of speaking with someone who seemed preoccupied with everything (their phone, texts or emails) other than you? Welcome to the contact-free world.

Here in Japan this week I am definitely a foreigner. That doesn’t disturb me because I’m in this position fairly frequently. However what struck me on this trip is the lack of contact between so many of us. People pass each other without even a nod. There is little or no recognition of others unless they are in a small circle of friends or family and even then I watch as friends and family are distracted by the bings, beeps and buzzes of their mobile devices. It seems that many people walk through life as strangers and die alone.

Wow, that seems so depressing even as I write it, but I’m aware that we can choose to change that. Real life is a contact sport. When we connect with others, share life’s journeys and struggles, or minimally greet each other and acknowledge each other, life changes. It is elevated in the common joys and tears that we all share. There are some people who make the time to talk, eat, laugh, and experience life with others. It doesn’t mean we have to marry (though I enjoy that) but just make time to be with others.

Why do we hesitate? I don’t know. I know my hesitation to speak to others is that I don’t know how it will be received. But I know that as a stranger in a city I’ve had some interesting conversations with strangers which have transformed moments. We have shared a laugh, an insight, a frustration and momentarily in the mass of humanity, we made contact.

It doesn’t take much to reach out. It doesn’t take much to say hi, or to comment on some experience. Hey, what’s the worst that could happen? Someone gives you a nasty look and walks away. But many times you will make a connection and both of you will be better for it.

Life was made for contact. Maybe we can “go it alone” but the question arises, why should we? Actually it’s easier being in Tokyo. If I ask a question most people will respond just to help me out. But any of us can greet someone, answer a question, or make a connection. Contact changes everyone and it makes things better. 

Dead Men (and Women) Walking

"... almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."  Steve Jobs


No, today's blog is not morbid. There, I thought I'd get that out before people started wondering why I'm thinking about death. Actually blame it on a book I'm reading The Fault of Our Stars by John Green. It a refreshingly real view ( though it's a novel) of living with cancer. The book is funny, poignant and creates a space where the reader can ask her/himself what is important in life; or at least that's how I'm reading it. 


Death offers the possibility of a movement toward personal greatness. The unapologetic reality exists that we all have had a death sentence placed on us from the moment we were born. Nobody escapes this one. There is no last minute appeal, no midnight call to the governor. When we are done, we're done. Yet, if we really think about this, it can set us free and this is where it applies to personal greatness. 


There are so many little things that push and pull us through life. We worry about our clothes, hair, weight, and general appearance. We fret over whether people like us or not. We carry guilt about family and friends; what we've done, or what we've not done. But what if you knew you were going to die? What REALLY matters? 


The fact is that all of us are dying, right here, right now. Some will die faster than others, but pretty soon all of us who are reading this will be gone. (oh, by the way, thanks for reading) And for me, if the next 54 years go as quickly as the first 54, it's all over. So the question then becomes how we want to live life?


Personally I want to laugh more. Yep, I'm just too serious about life and, what the heck, I'm on a fast train to oblivion anyway, so why take it too seriously? Yet more than that I just want to help more people while I'm here - make their lives easier. My life is fantastic, so I've no real need to work on that front. So whatever I can do for others, that's what I want to do more of and spend more time with those I love. Meanwhile I'm gonna worry less about what others think about me. Yep, gotta work on that one. 


Steve Jobs is right. We are already naked, but we just don't know it. Realizing our own mortality is very freeing and hopefully allows each of us to truly follow our heart.