Five Regrets of the Dying

I just read an interesting essay by Bronnie Ware about the five regrets of the dying. Apparently she also just published a book by that title. In her role as a palliative care nurse she listened as dying patients voiced what they regretted most in life. None of the regrets were earth-shaking. Most of them we would already guess. What interested me is that if all of this is so obvious, how come so many people are still regretting these things on their death bed? I mean really, if you know that hitting yourself with a hammer hurts, why do it? So let's look over the five regrets and see what we need to do to avoid them.

The first regret is that people ignored their dreams. I understand this. It's easy to let life take over and the next thing you look back and many years have gone by and you wonder what happened. But I think the challenge is deeper than that. Many of us as we came into adulthood stopped dreaming. I'm not talking about dreaming of singing at Carnegie Hall, though that might be your dream, but even little dreams about things you want to try or places you want to visit. Hey, start dreaming again and then pick one, even a  small one and go for it. It can really change your life.

Second, people regretted they worked too much. The regret stemmed from the fact that it took them away from family and loved ones. Again, this is very understandable, especially in our economy when we need any job we have. More of the challenge comes when we are not working. Is the time spent with our loved ones quality time? Are we truly present when we are home? We might find that this helps us want to get out of the office faster because the time at home is so wonderful.

Third, people regretted that they didn't speak up. This could be taken so many different ways, but I view it as the ability to be honest about both the good and the bad. Apparently people regretted they had not said what was necessary and had held grudges or resentments inside. Yet there is a broader context for this regret. What about all those things you want to say to loved ones, family or friends and you never do because you think they already know? Say it. Tell them you love them and tell them why. You will feel better and it might resolve issues, or bring someone closer.

Fourth, people regretted losing touch with friends. Our society now allows us the possibility of reaching out and touching someone around the planet. Yet there is no replacement for a face to face conversation. Taking time to dine with friends, or just talk is restorative. And the rest of life will still be there when we are finished.

Finally, people regretted that they did not choose to be happy. Out of all the regrets this was the one that surprised me the most. Not because I think that people want to be miserable, but because they realized too late that happiness was a choice. Every day we have the decision of how we will react to the world around us. We can choose to enjoy the sunrises and sunsets, the laughter of children and the way ice cream melts. We can choose to sing songs, or greet strangers with a smile. Or we can choose to be miserable and claim that life is hard. Yep, it is hard. And we can choose to make it harder by our attitude.

I don't intend to die soon, and I'm sure none of you do, but let's face it we don't know the day or the hour. These regrets are simple things to fix and it just takes a little time. So, pick a dream, take a day off, speak your mind, meet a friend and choose to be happy. You won't regret it.

Dead Men (and Women) Walking

"... almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."  Steve Jobs


No, today's blog is not morbid. There, I thought I'd get that out before people started wondering why I'm thinking about death. Actually blame it on a book I'm reading The Fault of Our Stars by John Green. It a refreshingly real view ( though it's a novel) of living with cancer. The book is funny, poignant and creates a space where the reader can ask her/himself what is important in life; or at least that's how I'm reading it. 


Death offers the possibility of a movement toward personal greatness. The unapologetic reality exists that we all have had a death sentence placed on us from the moment we were born. Nobody escapes this one. There is no last minute appeal, no midnight call to the governor. When we are done, we're done. Yet, if we really think about this, it can set us free and this is where it applies to personal greatness. 


There are so many little things that push and pull us through life. We worry about our clothes, hair, weight, and general appearance. We fret over whether people like us or not. We carry guilt about family and friends; what we've done, or what we've not done. But what if you knew you were going to die? What REALLY matters? 


The fact is that all of us are dying, right here, right now. Some will die faster than others, but pretty soon all of us who are reading this will be gone. (oh, by the way, thanks for reading) And for me, if the next 54 years go as quickly as the first 54, it's all over. So the question then becomes how we want to live life?


Personally I want to laugh more. Yep, I'm just too serious about life and, what the heck, I'm on a fast train to oblivion anyway, so why take it too seriously? Yet more than that I just want to help more people while I'm here - make their lives easier. My life is fantastic, so I've no real need to work on that front. So whatever I can do for others, that's what I want to do more of and spend more time with those I love. Meanwhile I'm gonna worry less about what others think about me. Yep, gotta work on that one. 


Steve Jobs is right. We are already naked, but we just don't know it. Realizing our own mortality is very freeing and hopefully allows each of us to truly follow our heart.