Let's Get Rid of Work/Life Balance

Have you ever tried to balance water in one hand and a fish in the other and make it work? Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? That’s the same craziness as saying we need work/life balance. One really can’t exist without the other and they are intimately connected. I’ve written about work/life balance before, but we need a different way to think about our lives; one that makes sense for an integrated life.

What’s wrong with the whole concept of work/life balance? It is an incorrect dichotomy. Work is an integral part of life and cannot be separated from it. Work, when seen as a vocation, gives purpose to life and provides meaning. We don’t get meaning from lounging in a beach chair sipping a margarita (as nice as that sounds). But we do get meaning from adding to the greater measure of humanity by providing service, information, art or material goods.   

At the same time we also need moments of pleasure, when we revel in the work we’ve done, meet friends, celebrate our accomplishments and free our mind of work. We take time to enjoy physical pursuits, outlets which allow us to stretch our limbs and allow the sweat to cleanse and renew us.

Yet both the work and the play have their limits. If we over indulge in either of them, we know it. If we continue over-indulging too long, we burnout or crash. This is why we need a new concept of balance to understand how we get the most out of life.

The ultimate balance is between intensity and rest. Whether pursuing work or play, we know that balancing the intensity of focused attention to a goal necessitates we provide ourselves with rest to continue later with the same intensity. This is the balance many of us lack.

Our lives are consumed by the siren song of technology that calls us to continuously check our messages long past the time when anyone should be reasonably sending us any. But we create our own vicious circle by replying and causing the other to continue the communication. There is no rest, there is no downtime.

Somehow believing we are getting away by pursuing pleasure or physical activity, we push ourselves at the gym, or meeting others without a moments rest and then we check back in whenever we can. What is wrong with us?

Balancing intensity with rest is of tantamount importance to great individuals from professional athletes to CEOs of major companies, but it also applies to all of us. How long can we pursue this intensity? Our abilities peak for about 90 minutes. Then we need to step away and give ourselves an opportunity to regroup.  Studies show that when individuals or companies create a “90 minute intensity – 10 minute resting activity” throughout a day productivity climbs and more is accomplished in less time. Try it. You will find yourself more productive.

Yet, even without using the 90/10 equation we need to think about our intensity vs rest ratio whether we are working or playing. We will find ourselves focused more when doing whatever task we choose and enjoying the rest more.

So, let’s get the concept of work/life balance out of our heads. That’s over-used, incorrect and even dangerous thinking. We need to balance intensity, whether it’s at work or at play, with time for rest. Disciplining ourselves to focus intently and then step away allows us to both recover and pursue our passions whatever they may be. So, how is your intensity/rest balance?

When Was Your Last Near-Life Experience?

Have you ever had those moments when in the midst of an average day the world comes alive? It is like waking up and really seeing life for the first time. Colors pop, sounds draw you in, texture caresses you and the inciting smell of a newly awakened world seduces you. At that moment, you wonder how you missed it all. How the wonder and the beauty escaped you. And usually you vow that you will see the world differently from that point on, but it doesn't always happen that way. You've just had a near-life experience.

All of us know about near-death experiences when the casual shift of the universe sends a truck down the wrong street, a heart valve mistimes, or you have an unfortunate misdirection into the wrong place at the wrong time. These experiences shock our system because we are genetically programmed to believe in life and incorrectly seduced in believing in the longevity of our own life. No one seeks a near-death experience, but people come away from them determined  to live life better, fuller, and more passionately than before. Sadly we seem to learn more from our fear of death than our joy of life.

From the moment of our birth we are aware of the wonder of the world. Watch infants and little children. When we were very young everything was new to us. We opened our eyes and tried to take it all in. We wanted to taste, touch, smell and digest it all, even if we didn't like it. We were fully alive and experiencing every moment. But as we grow, we adapt to our surroundings. We become used to our world and take it for granted. Those things that use to give us wonder no longer do. In essence, we stop living.

Adaptation is necessary to regulate our day. If we had to relearn everything every morning nothing would get done. Even as I type I'm aware that I don't have to think about where my fingers are, they just find the right keys (most of the time). But we also become inured to the beauty around us, to the incredible amount of sensory stimuli that awaits us every time we sit down to a meal, or even drive a car. After a while, we run on auto-pilot.

That's why it's important to seek out near-life experiences. Near-life experiences are those moments of awe and transcendence that awaken us to the life and loves that surround us. It's like coming out of sleep. We see the world around us for all that it offers. The reason I call them near-life is that very few of us will get to the point of total consciousness when we would be aware of every second of every day. But we can seek to place as many of these in our day as possible.

Start with a something simple. This morning I tasted my first cup of coffee. Seriously. Usually I slam my first cup down and wait for the caffeine to hit. But this morning I really tasted it as I listened in wonder to the chirping of the baby birds in the gutter of my house (I'll fix that after the bird family moves out). All it took was for me to be aware of the moment; of my senses and my sense of wonder.

Moments like this, scattered throughout the day bring us to life. We can enjoy the banter of colleagues as we become aware of our common human bonds. We can transform our brief lunch moment when we linger long enough to taste the sandwich. We might even enhance our commute by realizing the beauty of the sky. Near-life experiences, linked together, help us come alive again.

What are some of your favorite near-life experiences?

Life is a Contact Sport

In our leadership session today someone quoted Marshall Goldsmith that “leadership is a contact sport.” The quote struck me as being applicable not only to leadership, but especially to life. Life is a contact sport. Who we connect with, how we connect and the depth of our contacts can greatly influence our well-being. Yet sadly, more of us are alone now than ever before.

Have you ever stood in a crowded room and felt very alone? When was the last time you were in a big city with people rushing around and you longed for a small room with a few friends or a loved one? Have you recently had the experience of speaking with someone who seemed preoccupied with everything (their phone, texts or emails) other than you? Welcome to the contact-free world.

Here in Japan this week I am definitely a foreigner. That doesn’t disturb me because I’m in this position fairly frequently. However what struck me on this trip is the lack of contact between so many of us. People pass each other without even a nod. There is little or no recognition of others unless they are in a small circle of friends or family and even then I watch as friends and family are distracted by the bings, beeps and buzzes of their mobile devices. It seems that many people walk through life as strangers and die alone.

Wow, that seems so depressing even as I write it, but I’m aware that we can choose to change that. Real life is a contact sport. When we connect with others, share life’s journeys and struggles, or minimally greet each other and acknowledge each other, life changes. It is elevated in the common joys and tears that we all share. There are some people who make the time to talk, eat, laugh, and experience life with others. It doesn’t mean we have to marry (though I enjoy that) but just make time to be with others.

Why do we hesitate? I don’t know. I know my hesitation to speak to others is that I don’t know how it will be received. But I know that as a stranger in a city I’ve had some interesting conversations with strangers which have transformed moments. We have shared a laugh, an insight, a frustration and momentarily in the mass of humanity, we made contact.

It doesn’t take much to reach out. It doesn’t take much to say hi, or to comment on some experience. Hey, what’s the worst that could happen? Someone gives you a nasty look and walks away. But many times you will make a connection and both of you will be better for it.

Life was made for contact. Maybe we can “go it alone” but the question arises, why should we? Actually it’s easier being in Tokyo. If I ask a question most people will respond just to help me out. But any of us can greet someone, answer a question, or make a connection. Contact changes everyone and it makes things better. 

Stop Waiting: Launch and Learn

Recently I've noticed an interesting phenomenon that occurs when a group of people are gathered waiting for something such as an airplane, subway, elevator, etc. If someone pulls out their blackberry, phone, or iphone, other people do also. Though I've no research to cite, it seems that people just want to show others that they are important and busy. Instead of just waiting, they seem to want to show that they have people to call, emails to read and texts to send. Many of them, if you look closely are just playing games. Yet the important part of all these actions are to "look busy."

However the reality for many people is that though they are busy "looking busy" they are actually waiting for something to occur. When I ask people what hinders them from pursuing dreams, living fully, having enriching relationships, most of the time the answers involve waiting for something to occur or someone to do something. They give me very valid reasons that they will start something, but they are waiting "until I have time," "when I have more money," "when the kids are out of school," "when the kids are in school" and the list goes on and on. I also catch myself waiting for the "right time" to launch new ventures. But what are we really waiting for?

Though I believe in being prepared, I personally know that sometimes waiting is my excuse not to start. I rationalize what I need to begin a project, for example, and then wait until whatever I need magically appears. Sometimes the waiting has taken years. It's time to be honest with ourselves.

Successful individuals who have vibrant, exciting lives are not waiting for others to make life exciting. They choose to do so. Individuals who start new ventures, or personal projects and succeed often do it in the face of small resources, lack of support and little time, yet they succeed anyway. Perhaps we are waiting for the right time because we want it to be perfect. It won't be! Perfect doesn't exist. So with any venture the key is "launch and learn" i.e., start something and learn as you go.

Waiting is the perfect excuse, even when we claim we are too busy. But what are we really waiting for? It will never be the perfect time, perfect person, perfect idea. Launch into it and learn as you go. There is really nothing more exciting than to be in the middle of doing something you enjoy. And you can really have something to do rather than stand around fingering your mobile device.

Dead Men (and Women) Walking

"... almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."  Steve Jobs


No, today's blog is not morbid. There, I thought I'd get that out before people started wondering why I'm thinking about death. Actually blame it on a book I'm reading The Fault of Our Stars by John Green. It a refreshingly real view ( though it's a novel) of living with cancer. The book is funny, poignant and creates a space where the reader can ask her/himself what is important in life; or at least that's how I'm reading it. 


Death offers the possibility of a movement toward personal greatness. The unapologetic reality exists that we all have had a death sentence placed on us from the moment we were born. Nobody escapes this one. There is no last minute appeal, no midnight call to the governor. When we are done, we're done. Yet, if we really think about this, it can set us free and this is where it applies to personal greatness. 


There are so many little things that push and pull us through life. We worry about our clothes, hair, weight, and general appearance. We fret over whether people like us or not. We carry guilt about family and friends; what we've done, or what we've not done. But what if you knew you were going to die? What REALLY matters? 


The fact is that all of us are dying, right here, right now. Some will die faster than others, but pretty soon all of us who are reading this will be gone. (oh, by the way, thanks for reading) And for me, if the next 54 years go as quickly as the first 54, it's all over. So the question then becomes how we want to live life?


Personally I want to laugh more. Yep, I'm just too serious about life and, what the heck, I'm on a fast train to oblivion anyway, so why take it too seriously? Yet more than that I just want to help more people while I'm here - make their lives easier. My life is fantastic, so I've no real need to work on that front. So whatever I can do for others, that's what I want to do more of and spend more time with those I love. Meanwhile I'm gonna worry less about what others think about me. Yep, gotta work on that one. 


Steve Jobs is right. We are already naked, but we just don't know it. Realizing our own mortality is very freeing and hopefully allows each of us to truly follow our heart. 

No Apologies, No Excuses, No Second Chance

Years ago, while playing basketball, I had an important realization. I apologized constantly. I apologized for bad passes,errant shots and missed opportunities. Worse than that, I also realized I apologized when someone else would make a mistake by telling them that it really was my fault. When I wasn't apologizing I found myself making excuses for poor play. I was tired. My foot hurt. I sprained my finger. The day I realized my behavior I felt sick. This was not the person I wanted to be. So, I adopted a mantra for myself and how I would play on the basketball court, "No apologies, no excuses, no second chance." Let me briefly explain. "No apologies." Apologies are often empty words that are thrown around after someone is caught, or in my case a distorted belief that I wasn't supposed to make mistakes, or miss. Yes, occasionally apologies have to be made, but what is more important is changing behavior. Nothing says I'm sorry like changing my behavior and doing something different. So, I put aside apologizing all the time and moved on to changing behavior. "No excuses." When I step on to a basketball court, I step on to play. No one cares if I am tired, hurt, or distracted. They just want me to play the best basketball I can or get off the court. "No second chance." Many times the places I play basketball there are teams waiting to get on the court. Once you lose, you may as well go home. There is no second chance, so I've learned to put it all out on the court. Years later I realize that this mantra applies to life. So many of us spend too much time apologizing for what we've done instead of making up and moving on. We all make mistakes, but we are by no means the sum of our mistakes. Sometimes the best gift we can give to ourselves is to unlock the chains with which we bind ourselves and let us go free. So too excuses. I've got a million of them. Reasons why I can't write my next book, or be the speaker I want to be. No one cares, and the only person I'm excusing is myself. And finally, there is no second chance. This is it. Every moment of every day we choose how our lives will unfold. If we are waiting for something to happen it has probably passed us by. "Life- no apologies, no excuses, no second chance."