Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Monday, March 18, 2013
When The Going Gets Tough
Yesterday I was at the gym early in the morning for what I thought would be a quick workout. I was a little tired from the week, but wanted to do something to keep healthy, so I found myself there at 8:30 trying to break a sweat. Yet what happened over the next two hours surprised me. Yep, two hours! Now let me clarify something. I don't like lifting or working out in a gym. If there is a basketball game or a tennis match I can lose track of time and play for hours (or as long as my body holds out) but I don't really like just working out. So what happened?
Much of the time I am at this particular gym there are very few people there. I plod through my workout, some days feeling more energized, but most of the time I am watching the clock waiting for when I believe I've done enough. Yesterday there were a few people who I'm come to know in town and it seemed like everyone was in a mood to connect. I found out about birthdays and facial accidents (one guy accidently shaved part of his beard off). We laughed. We talked about weather and basketball. As this occurred I moved from equipment to equipment and worked harder than I have in many months. It was all because of my friends.
Studies at the University of Richmond show that when friends are with you, you judge challenges to be less difficult and therefore you are more likely to complete them. They also discovered that the pain centers of the brain don't register pain as much when you have a friend with you.
So often in our desire to change habits, optimize behavior, or achieve something, we believe we have to "go it alone." Yet, when the going gets tough, the tough get a friend. It lessens the challenge and we are more likely to succeed. Besides, when you achieve your goal, there is someone there to celebrate with.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Mirror, Mirror On The Wall
The clean up continues this week as I prepare my house for sale. Yesterday I spent much of the day pulling all of the stuff out of the garage, sweeping out an amazing amount of spiders with eggs and webs (I have a slight arachnophobia - not fun) , and then putting all the stuff back in. What stuck me in the process is how much I love manual labor. Not that I could make it my life's work, but I really enjoy seeing a finished project. Whether painting, building a wall, digging a garden, or any project, I can see the progress and I can see the completion. The same thing happens when I write. But what's the marker or end game in personal development? How do we know we are making progress?
Most of us can't see ourselves as others do. That's pretty obvious. Yet we really don't see ourselves as we are. Studies indicate that even looking in a mirror (now there's a dose of reality) that women typically see themselves as 5 pounds heavier than they actually are and men see themselves as 5 pounds lighter than they are. Our self perceptions are not very honest because they contain all of the biases (social and otherwise) that people have heaped on us all of our lives. So when we move toward being our best self part of the challenge is understanding how to determine that we've made progress.
If you really want to develop personally one of the best ways is to get a friend, a coach, or just someone you can trust to give you honest feedback. Tell them what area of your life you are developing and let them be your mirror. Working on personal development over the past year I continually ask my partner and best friend how I'm doing. They know what I'm working on. They know how it manifests itself and they are honest when I miss the mark and when I'm doing well. It's not easy to hear sometimes, (okay, it's not easy to hear most of the time) but it's real. They are the true mirror for me. And they can tell me when I am progressing toward my personal goal. So pick someone who can be an honest, authentic mirror for you.
Additionally aside from our own personal development, we can help others. I've always love the holiday classic "It's a Wonderful Life" in which Henry Fonda plays George Bailey, a man who has no idea of the positive effect he has had on others. I think most of us are like that. People have no idea how they connect with those around them for good or for bad. So we can be the mirror for other people. When we've been affected by those around us. When they've helped us in some way, given us advice, or just a helping hand, we've got to tell them. People need to learn when they've done something wonderful for others. Perhaps then more of the world will realize that we are mostly good people striving to make a difference.
Mirrors are not pretty because they reflect reality. They show us (for good or bad) how we are progressing toward a goal. But very often they reflect the mindset of the person looking into the glass. Personal growth is difficult to see unless we have people act as our mirrors. We need them to help us see how we've developed or not. But we can also be the mirror for others. They can learn what they have meant to us and how they've affected our life. That is a great way to see progress. That is a real mirror.
Most of us can't see ourselves as others do. That's pretty obvious. Yet we really don't see ourselves as we are. Studies indicate that even looking in a mirror (now there's a dose of reality) that women typically see themselves as 5 pounds heavier than they actually are and men see themselves as 5 pounds lighter than they are. Our self perceptions are not very honest because they contain all of the biases (social and otherwise) that people have heaped on us all of our lives. So when we move toward being our best self part of the challenge is understanding how to determine that we've made progress.
If you really want to develop personally one of the best ways is to get a friend, a coach, or just someone you can trust to give you honest feedback. Tell them what area of your life you are developing and let them be your mirror. Working on personal development over the past year I continually ask my partner and best friend how I'm doing. They know what I'm working on. They know how it manifests itself and they are honest when I miss the mark and when I'm doing well. It's not easy to hear sometimes, (okay, it's not easy to hear most of the time) but it's real. They are the true mirror for me. And they can tell me when I am progressing toward my personal goal. So pick someone who can be an honest, authentic mirror for you.
Additionally aside from our own personal development, we can help others. I've always love the holiday classic "It's a Wonderful Life" in which Henry Fonda plays George Bailey, a man who has no idea of the positive effect he has had on others. I think most of us are like that. People have no idea how they connect with those around them for good or for bad. So we can be the mirror for other people. When we've been affected by those around us. When they've helped us in some way, given us advice, or just a helping hand, we've got to tell them. People need to learn when they've done something wonderful for others. Perhaps then more of the world will realize that we are mostly good people striving to make a difference.
Mirrors are not pretty because they reflect reality. They show us (for good or bad) how we are progressing toward a goal. But very often they reflect the mindset of the person looking into the glass. Personal growth is difficult to see unless we have people act as our mirrors. We need them to help us see how we've developed or not. But we can also be the mirror for others. They can learn what they have meant to us and how they've affected our life. That is a great way to see progress. That is a real mirror.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Five Regrets of the Dying
I just read an interesting essay by Bronnie Ware about the five regrets of the dying. Apparently she also just published a book by that title. In her role as a palliative care nurse she listened as dying patients voiced what they regretted most in life. None of the regrets were earth-shaking. Most of them we would already guess. What interested me is that if all of this is so obvious, how come so many people are still regretting these things on their death bed? I mean really, if you know that hitting yourself with a hammer hurts, why do it? So let's look over the five regrets and see what we need to do to avoid them.
The first regret is that people ignored their dreams. I understand this. It's easy to let life take over and the next thing you look back and many years have gone by and you wonder what happened. But I think the challenge is deeper than that. Many of us as we came into adulthood stopped dreaming. I'm not talking about dreaming of singing at Carnegie Hall, though that might be your dream, but even little dreams about things you want to try or places you want to visit. Hey, start dreaming again and then pick one, even a small one and go for it. It can really change your life.
Second, people regretted they worked too much. The regret stemmed from the fact that it took them away from family and loved ones. Again, this is very understandable, especially in our economy when we need any job we have. More of the challenge comes when we are not working. Is the time spent with our loved ones quality time? Are we truly present when we are home? We might find that this helps us want to get out of the office faster because the time at home is so wonderful.
Third, people regretted that they didn't speak up. This could be taken so many different ways, but I view it as the ability to be honest about both the good and the bad. Apparently people regretted they had not said what was necessary and had held grudges or resentments inside. Yet there is a broader context for this regret. What about all those things you want to say to loved ones, family or friends and you never do because you think they already know? Say it. Tell them you love them and tell them why. You will feel better and it might resolve issues, or bring someone closer.
Fourth, people regretted losing touch with friends. Our society now allows us the possibility of reaching out and touching someone around the planet. Yet there is no replacement for a face to face conversation. Taking time to dine with friends, or just talk is restorative. And the rest of life will still be there when we are finished.
Finally, people regretted that they did not choose to be happy. Out of all the regrets this was the one that surprised me the most. Not because I think that people want to be miserable, but because they realized too late that happiness was a choice. Every day we have the decision of how we will react to the world around us. We can choose to enjoy the sunrises and sunsets, the laughter of children and the way ice cream melts. We can choose to sing songs, or greet strangers with a smile. Or we can choose to be miserable and claim that life is hard. Yep, it is hard. And we can choose to make it harder by our attitude.
I don't intend to die soon, and I'm sure none of you do, but let's face it we don't know the day or the hour. These regrets are simple things to fix and it just takes a little time. So, pick a dream, take a day off, speak your mind, meet a friend and choose to be happy. You won't regret it.
The first regret is that people ignored their dreams. I understand this. It's easy to let life take over and the next thing you look back and many years have gone by and you wonder what happened. But I think the challenge is deeper than that. Many of us as we came into adulthood stopped dreaming. I'm not talking about dreaming of singing at Carnegie Hall, though that might be your dream, but even little dreams about things you want to try or places you want to visit. Hey, start dreaming again and then pick one, even a small one and go for it. It can really change your life.
Second, people regretted they worked too much. The regret stemmed from the fact that it took them away from family and loved ones. Again, this is very understandable, especially in our economy when we need any job we have. More of the challenge comes when we are not working. Is the time spent with our loved ones quality time? Are we truly present when we are home? We might find that this helps us want to get out of the office faster because the time at home is so wonderful.
Third, people regretted that they didn't speak up. This could be taken so many different ways, but I view it as the ability to be honest about both the good and the bad. Apparently people regretted they had not said what was necessary and had held grudges or resentments inside. Yet there is a broader context for this regret. What about all those things you want to say to loved ones, family or friends and you never do because you think they already know? Say it. Tell them you love them and tell them why. You will feel better and it might resolve issues, or bring someone closer.
Fourth, people regretted losing touch with friends. Our society now allows us the possibility of reaching out and touching someone around the planet. Yet there is no replacement for a face to face conversation. Taking time to dine with friends, or just talk is restorative. And the rest of life will still be there when we are finished.
Finally, people regretted that they did not choose to be happy. Out of all the regrets this was the one that surprised me the most. Not because I think that people want to be miserable, but because they realized too late that happiness was a choice. Every day we have the decision of how we will react to the world around us. We can choose to enjoy the sunrises and sunsets, the laughter of children and the way ice cream melts. We can choose to sing songs, or greet strangers with a smile. Or we can choose to be miserable and claim that life is hard. Yep, it is hard. And we can choose to make it harder by our attitude.
I don't intend to die soon, and I'm sure none of you do, but let's face it we don't know the day or the hour. These regrets are simple things to fix and it just takes a little time. So, pick a dream, take a day off, speak your mind, meet a friend and choose to be happy. You won't regret it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Being a Great Friend
"Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.” Mark Twain
After reading this quote a few days ago (a friend posted it on Facebook) we've reflected on how true this is. New research is indicating that our friends can influence us to be happier or more miserable, healthier or fatter, so why wouldn't it be true that they could, simply by social pressure, either help us to achieve our greatness or influence us to give up?
If we were focusing on the negative we would talk about "defriending" all of those acquaintances that put us down or "belittle our ambitions" as Mark Twain said. However, rather than focus on the negative, we'd prefer to focus on finding and/or becoming those types of friends who help others achieve greatness. And so we want to identify the qualities of friends who assist us in our greatness journey.
Primarily these friends encourage the growth and development of the unconventional thinking that leads to greatness. Rather than correcting or admonishing new thinking, these friends encourage it.
Also, when we propose a new thought, a breakthrough, a new discovery, or just the next level in our journey a good friend does not attack or undermine us, but congratulates us and asks us to tell them about it. (It is a skill called Active Constructive Responding - more info at Positive Psychology News Daily).
Yet the greatest skill of true friends is that they challenge us to go further in our idea, goal, or work. Gently they provide encouragement by pushing and prodding us to continue on our journey. And they journey with us as much as possible to help us through the difficult times.
Whether you are looking for true friends, or trying to be a good friend, these are the qualities that encourage greatness in others. Remember Mark Twain is right, "the really great make you believe that you too can be great".
After reading this quote a few days ago (a friend posted it on Facebook) we've reflected on how true this is. New research is indicating that our friends can influence us to be happier or more miserable, healthier or fatter, so why wouldn't it be true that they could, simply by social pressure, either help us to achieve our greatness or influence us to give up?
If we were focusing on the negative we would talk about "defriending" all of those acquaintances that put us down or "belittle our ambitions" as Mark Twain said. However, rather than focus on the negative, we'd prefer to focus on finding and/or becoming those types of friends who help others achieve greatness. And so we want to identify the qualities of friends who assist us in our greatness journey.
Primarily these friends encourage the growth and development of the unconventional thinking that leads to greatness. Rather than correcting or admonishing new thinking, these friends encourage it.
Also, when we propose a new thought, a breakthrough, a new discovery, or just the next level in our journey a good friend does not attack or undermine us, but congratulates us and asks us to tell them about it. (It is a skill called Active Constructive Responding - more info at Positive Psychology News Daily).
Yet the greatest skill of true friends is that they challenge us to go further in our idea, goal, or work. Gently they provide encouragement by pushing and prodding us to continue on our journey. And they journey with us as much as possible to help us through the difficult times.
Whether you are looking for true friends, or trying to be a good friend, these are the qualities that encourage greatness in others. Remember Mark Twain is right, "the really great make you believe that you too can be great".
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