Taking Out The Garbage and Being Great

Today is garbage day. Not exciting, not motivating, just has to be done. These little tasks  fill up our day and pull us away from the engaging stuff. Yet a word of warning here to myself and you, this is real life.

Blogs, self-help books and Hollywood would have us believe that we can have lives full of adventure and energy. Hollywood especially offers images of majestic landscapes in Nepal or eternal food orgies in Italy and suggests we go on our own perfect pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostella. These images and ideas plant the seeds of unrest. We want to have the picturesque life where wind blows our hair back at the perfect moment when we embrace our loved one. But let's get real.

Life is full of little stuff (unless you can afford full time staff). Dishes need to be washed, beds made (occasionally) and garbage taken out. In between writing the Pulitzer prize winning novel, or winning the next Nobel peace prize, laundry has to be done. And if we are not careful, life can fly by as we wait for the next moment when we will succeed, or feel good or have that perfect Hollywood moment.

Looking out my window right now I can see the path to the curb. I have to roll the garbage cans out to the street. Either that moment can be wasted as I long to be writing, or speaking, or having that perfect glass of wine on the deck (well, not at 7:00 AM), or I can enjoy the moment. It is Spring after all. The birds are singing. The sky is blue so far. The azaleas and dogwood are in bloom. The walk with the garbage is laden with beautiful sights and sounds. Either I can live the life I have or spend all of it wanting another life.

I am a real believer in personal greatness. It is something I strive for and try to help others achieve. Yet I've learned that moving toward something, any goal, or idealized life is no excuse for failing to be where I am. I have this life right here, right now. There are chores to do and little (sometimes irritating) tasks to do along the way. But if I spend my life wishing to be somewhere else, or wanting to be a different person, it will be wasted.

The discipline is to enjoy the little ordinary moments of our lives. The real secret of a happy life, is to choose to be happy in it, to find the beauty even in taking out the garbage.

Waiting is good for you

Standing in line waiting to board a flight from San Francisco to Philadelphia. I hate waiting in line. I just want to get in the plane and get settled. And no, I'm not worried about bringing bags on the plane, I check them.

But can I learn from this? Yep. Though we live in a society that provides immediate gratification it's not good for us. We don't learn the discipline of delayed gratification, the upside of waiting for something.

I've written about the powerful research on grit, the characteristic of perseverance and drive that can be tested in toddlers. Grit has been directly linked with academic and job success. What I'm curious about is whether that characteristic can be developed in adulthood.

I have to believe that consistently disciplining myself to work toward long term goals and developing the patience necessary to gain something more than a quick fix would help build grit. Even learning how to patiently stand in line might help. In the long term this helps both success and even perhaps well being.

Okay so I'm trying. Breathe in, breathe out. But I wish they'd board this flight. Guess I've got work to do on my waiting.

Don't Be Dumb, Take a trip

I woke up this morning in San Francisco. Don't worry I'm supposed to be here. But I realized that I have to think differently in San Francisco because I'm not that familiar with it. I have to orient myself differently. Heck even the ocean is in the wrong place out here, at least according to my normal thinking. And that's the point - sometimes you have to take a trip to change your thinking.

All of us develop our own mental models, i.e., ways we think of how the world runs. Mental models serve us well because they help make habitual those things we do constantly like brushing our teeth or relating to our spouse. The challenge with mental models is they make us dumb. Well maybe not dumb but certainly less curious. We move through our lives on auto-pilot. This inhibits creativity and learning. The cure... take a trip.

Courtesy of my clients I get to fly around the world to a lot of different places. Each time I land I am challenged to think. I can't be on auto-pilot in a place where I don't speak the language. But what it also does is create a sense of wonder and curiosity. For instance in Tokyo I realized after I bumped into numerous people that they walk on the left side of the sidewalk. I assumed (mental model) that everyone walks on the right side. So these new experiences open our minds to new ways of thinking.

Not all of us have clients paying our way to distant lands. But any trip that provides a new experience expands your mind. Even if you are not traveling anywhere new, by taking a different route to work you open your mind. I am taking a small trip right now because I'm typing this on my iPhone since I chose not to bring my laptop. It's a whole different experience (and please forgive any errors).

So take a trip. Going abroad broadens you in ways you never thought possible. But even without boarding a plane or boat you can take trips daily. New destinations abound right in our neighborhood, our place of work, even on our handheld devices. All we have to do is bring our curiosity.

Do You Want to Fly?

I've always wanted to fly. No, I don't mean in airplanes, I do enough of that. Just be able to stretch out my arms and fly freely without the fetters of gravity. The world looks different from up above. The perspective is broader and I realize how little things are on the ground compared to the world and the universe. Even just being in a plane, I feel transported and it always gives me new ideas and new goals.

Yet, I realize that I fly every day. Not in the caped-crusader sense, but I move above and beyond my normal existence in the experiences I have when I'm at my best. Those moments change me, challenge me, and encourage me to do and be more. Trans-formative moments give me a glimpse of what I'm capable of, and at that moment I can either choose to look at the reality of my potential, or go back to what I've always done.

Take writing for example. I write everyday. Sometimes it is just this blog, other times it is a poem, or working on a book. And there are moments when I write that I lift my head from the page and can't believe what I've just written. Where the prose or new idea came from, I have no idea. But at that moment, I'm flying. I'm lifted above my normal existence and can view it from a different angle. The moment gives me a perspective on what is possible.

Sometimes it's frightening when it happens. Flying takes you to heights you might not be ready for. Looking down can be a jarring experience and so sometimes we long just to remain on the ground. These are the moments we need to discipline ourselves to examine. When we've done something that lifts us out of our normal routine we have an opportunity to learn from it, to learn to use our wings.

Rumi put it best. “You were born with potential. 
You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness. 
You were born with wings. 
You are not meant for crawling, so don't. 
You have wings. 
Learn to use them and fly.” 

The next time you have a moment when you almost scare yourself with something you've done at work, at home, in a personal endeavor; stop and savor the feeling. You are flying. Lifted above the normal workday reality, you can now glimpse your own possibilities. At that moment you can feel your wings. So, what will you do? Do you want to fly?

Do You Have Any White Space?

As an author I'm very familiar with the traditional concept of white space. The strategic placement of words,  pictures and graphics on a page allow the reader's eye to peruse the page easily without excess clutter. Much of this ease is caused by the use of white space, or empty space on a page. Additionally this concept of white space has crept into our lexicon about thinking. I'd like to apply white space more broadly to life.

We live in an information society. Microsoft's tag line use to read "information anywhere, anytime." It is prophetic of our age. This technological society provides easy access to all sorts of information, for free. We can read the New York Times, or Wall Street Journal online. All our friends and family can post the latest pictures from the most recent gathering and we don't have to be there. But most of all, we can scan and find information on any topic. Just pop an item into Bing and viola you have information. But isn't it getting to be too much?

Every morning I waltz through the world news, US news, sports, Positive Psychology News Daily, Harvard Business Review, Psychology Today and others. I scan the headlines catching some of the stories, but skimming most of them. So I am filled with information, but it has all been filtered and finessed by someone else. I'm really not thinking about any of it, just gathering.

So too, if you think about our lives, there is constant busy-ness. Most people I meet have very little time left in a day. Every moment seems crammed up with something and in the downtime, or the travel in between, we catch on all we've missed by getting on our phones or PDAs and finding out the most recent news.

Yet what we know about creativity, focus, strategy, calmness, etc, originate in quiet moments, in other words, in the white space of our lives. When we take time just to sit, we are not just sitting. We are creating worlds and words that others haven't thought about. Rather than just regurgitating information that's already been processed, we think for ourselves. Taking white space time allows us to think through the day and think through our lives so we make choices aligned with who we are rather than knee-jerk decisions.

I've place it in my calendar. It's an appointment for me every morning. I take white space time and allow my mind to just go wherever it wants. When I first started it was frustrating. I'm an achiever. I like to do things, so I was really antsy. But now I look forward to the moments and have started adding more during the day.

Make white space time; time to let you mind go freely where it will. You will be refreshed, energized, creative. It takes a little while to get use to the discipline, but don't give up. We all know when we look at a page that is too cluttered with little white space that it's difficult to comprehend anything. Now we need to examine our lives with the same discipline. A little white space helps our lives to be attractive and compelling.

Five Regrets of the Dying

I just read an interesting essay by Bronnie Ware about the five regrets of the dying. Apparently she also just published a book by that title. In her role as a palliative care nurse she listened as dying patients voiced what they regretted most in life. None of the regrets were earth-shaking. Most of them we would already guess. What interested me is that if all of this is so obvious, how come so many people are still regretting these things on their death bed? I mean really, if you know that hitting yourself with a hammer hurts, why do it? So let's look over the five regrets and see what we need to do to avoid them.

The first regret is that people ignored their dreams. I understand this. It's easy to let life take over and the next thing you look back and many years have gone by and you wonder what happened. But I think the challenge is deeper than that. Many of us as we came into adulthood stopped dreaming. I'm not talking about dreaming of singing at Carnegie Hall, though that might be your dream, but even little dreams about things you want to try or places you want to visit. Hey, start dreaming again and then pick one, even a  small one and go for it. It can really change your life.

Second, people regretted they worked too much. The regret stemmed from the fact that it took them away from family and loved ones. Again, this is very understandable, especially in our economy when we need any job we have. More of the challenge comes when we are not working. Is the time spent with our loved ones quality time? Are we truly present when we are home? We might find that this helps us want to get out of the office faster because the time at home is so wonderful.

Third, people regretted that they didn't speak up. This could be taken so many different ways, but I view it as the ability to be honest about both the good and the bad. Apparently people regretted they had not said what was necessary and had held grudges or resentments inside. Yet there is a broader context for this regret. What about all those things you want to say to loved ones, family or friends and you never do because you think they already know? Say it. Tell them you love them and tell them why. You will feel better and it might resolve issues, or bring someone closer.

Fourth, people regretted losing touch with friends. Our society now allows us the possibility of reaching out and touching someone around the planet. Yet there is no replacement for a face to face conversation. Taking time to dine with friends, or just talk is restorative. And the rest of life will still be there when we are finished.

Finally, people regretted that they did not choose to be happy. Out of all the regrets this was the one that surprised me the most. Not because I think that people want to be miserable, but because they realized too late that happiness was a choice. Every day we have the decision of how we will react to the world around us. We can choose to enjoy the sunrises and sunsets, the laughter of children and the way ice cream melts. We can choose to sing songs, or greet strangers with a smile. Or we can choose to be miserable and claim that life is hard. Yep, it is hard. And we can choose to make it harder by our attitude.

I don't intend to die soon, and I'm sure none of you do, but let's face it we don't know the day or the hour. These regrets are simple things to fix and it just takes a little time. So, pick a dream, take a day off, speak your mind, meet a friend and choose to be happy. You won't regret it.

Life is a Contact Sport

In our leadership session today someone quoted Marshall Goldsmith that “leadership is a contact sport.” The quote struck me as being applicable not only to leadership, but especially to life. Life is a contact sport. Who we connect with, how we connect and the depth of our contacts can greatly influence our well-being. Yet sadly, more of us are alone now than ever before.

Have you ever stood in a crowded room and felt very alone? When was the last time you were in a big city with people rushing around and you longed for a small room with a few friends or a loved one? Have you recently had the experience of speaking with someone who seemed preoccupied with everything (their phone, texts or emails) other than you? Welcome to the contact-free world.

Here in Japan this week I am definitely a foreigner. That doesn’t disturb me because I’m in this position fairly frequently. However what struck me on this trip is the lack of contact between so many of us. People pass each other without even a nod. There is little or no recognition of others unless they are in a small circle of friends or family and even then I watch as friends and family are distracted by the bings, beeps and buzzes of their mobile devices. It seems that many people walk through life as strangers and die alone.

Wow, that seems so depressing even as I write it, but I’m aware that we can choose to change that. Real life is a contact sport. When we connect with others, share life’s journeys and struggles, or minimally greet each other and acknowledge each other, life changes. It is elevated in the common joys and tears that we all share. There are some people who make the time to talk, eat, laugh, and experience life with others. It doesn’t mean we have to marry (though I enjoy that) but just make time to be with others.

Why do we hesitate? I don’t know. I know my hesitation to speak to others is that I don’t know how it will be received. But I know that as a stranger in a city I’ve had some interesting conversations with strangers which have transformed moments. We have shared a laugh, an insight, a frustration and momentarily in the mass of humanity, we made contact.

It doesn’t take much to reach out. It doesn’t take much to say hi, or to comment on some experience. Hey, what’s the worst that could happen? Someone gives you a nasty look and walks away. But many times you will make a connection and both of you will be better for it.

Life was made for contact. Maybe we can “go it alone” but the question arises, why should we? Actually it’s easier being in Tokyo. If I ask a question most people will respond just to help me out. But any of us can greet someone, answer a question, or make a connection. Contact changes everyone and it makes things better.